It's That Time of Year

 

Snowflakes, hot cider, reading by the fire, chill in the air, presents, friendship, slow days, letters from afar....these are a few of our favorite things and, since they're all happening now, we love this time of year. The weather outside isn't quite as "frightful" as we'd like, but it's been great for getting things done on our cabin. Concrete was poured in June and now Jordan's begun insulating. Progress is slow as we don't have much time these days, but we are thrilled with what's been done and can't wait to move in! ETA is still to be determined.

Jordan started off the year helping construct The General, which opened June 7! He guided spring and fall big game hunts with Lake Country Lodge and Canoe Bay Outfitters. He has been very successful and is loving every minute. This summer he guided a few trips for Alaskan Ventures with The General and began building our cabin. Now he's working for SKW and they are remodeling the Tanalian School here in Port Alsworth. He plans to continue guiding in 2015 and finish our cabin! We've loved the variety in work, but it makes it difficult to know how the essentials will be provided in each season. It has challenged us both to be more trusting in our Lord because He knows and for that we are grateful.

I worked for Lake and Peninsula Airlines until May, then began helping prepare The General's cafe for its grand opening. My siblings moved to Port Alsworth for the summer, which meant they got to work with us at The General. Caleb helped guide trips and the sisters worked the counter making coffee and serving food. It was hectic at times and slow at times, with a huge learning curve as no one quite knew what to expect, but overall we had a blast! Things have slowed down quite a bit, so I've started working at Lake and Pen again. I am so grateful at how flexible everyone has been with our crazy schedule. We will forever be grateful to our community here.  Speaking of community, my fewer working hours have resulted in more time for socializing, which apparently is my specialty. It has been wonderful making new friends and being creative with our times together. Just this past week we had a wreath making party!

The most difficult part of this past year has been the frequency of times absent from each other. This seems to be a normal problem for some people, but it's a first for us. It's hard to be a part of one another's lives when we so often are headed in different directions. So, we've been learning to appreciate every moment and to be intentional with our time. Much easier said than done, but we are learning that there isn't really ever a normal, there are just seasons. If we don't change with the season then we'll be stuck wishing for what could be, than being present in the life we've been given. We'd miss all the good that this season has to offer.

We love getting your Christmas Cards, but are anxious for the day we get to see you face to face. Thank you for loving us and supporting our ventures. There is no gift better than knowing we are beloved by our Lord and surrounded by friends.

                             Isaiah 61

The Perfect Job

Quick Update: We have had an incredibly busy Summer and Fall. My family was in Port Alsworth for the Summer, but have now all gone their separate ways. It was a cramped, but wonderful time! Jordan left for guiding in August, was VERY successful, and returned home at the end of September. I went on vacation to Oregon for part of his absence. I am so glad I did. It made time go quickly and I got to see a great many people that I haven't seen in far too long. Now we are both home again. He picked up a job remodeling the local school and I am working a couple different jobs (The General and Lake and Peninsula Airlines). His hours are lengthy and start early in the morning. He is gone too much for my liking, but the money is good and we need a leg up if we're to finish our cabin. My work has been full of variety, so is enjoyable for me. Oh and we are housesitting until January. Incredible, I know! It has been lovely.

Although I've loved my work at The General, I seem to constantly be mulling over the age old question of "what am I to do with my life?" Its been ingrained in me by our culture that the answer lies in a career. As children we're asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?", in High School its "what college?", in College its "what major?" , and after college its "have you gotten a job yet?" I don't think these questions are necessarily bad because they really challenge us to keep moving forward and continue to remind us that we truly can be anything we want to be with a lot of hard work and determination. But what about those of us who don't follow the well traveled path to a career? Those questions can start becoming daunting and, even more so, discouraging. 

I was certain my path would lead me into education and motherhood. So far neither has panned out (one by choice, the other by happenstance) and I'm left wondering what my purpose is to be if not those. My collection of odd jobs is not impressive and any future careers I could choose leave a bad taste in my mouth as in no thanks, not for me. Its not the idea of going back to school because lets face it I'm a nerd and I LOVE school, the smells, the grades, the papers, the reading, the organizational supplies and I'll stop now because I'm freaking some of you out. It's really the idea of a full-time, no flexibility, mundane job that would come out of a higher education. I like my life too much to have a job get in the way.....my dad laughs when I phrase it this way. 

What is one to do when they aren't the "status quo"? When they don't have a "title"? She's a vet, he's a teacher, he's an engineer, she's a mom. There is nothing attached to my name except maybe she's a Davis (my maiden name) or, better yet, Jordan's wife. When I see that I feel both beloved and I also feel a bit of an identity crisis. That identity crisis part does NOT belong! That is the lie. My friend Kathryn put it this way "No job is perfect. No job will satisfy the deep longing of the soul that craves meaning, that is found only in the Creator Himself [...] Really, it doesn't matter what any of us do, we must learn to take both good and the bad, and sift through them, choosing our attitude and response to all things." We are called to do everything as if doing it for The Lord because we receive our inheritance from Him (Col 3:23-24). 

Our purpose lies with our Creator. The answer to the age old question is this: I am to serve Him by loving those around me. If that means cleaning house, making people coffee, taking time to ask someone how they really are, taking out the trash, watching someone else's kids. I do not need a title to serve His bigger plan. The mundane is just as important as a career because even in the perfect job there is the mundane that has to be done. My greatest successes will be winning people over to Him through love. "For what is my hope or joy or crown of boasting before our Lord Jesus at His coming? Is it not you (those people I've loved and served)? For you are my glory and joy" (1 Thess 2:19-20). 

A Beautiful Mess

We are all searching for something, desperate for answers. Right when we grasp a little truth our foot slips and we become paralyzed with the fear of falling. After my last blog post my foot slipped and instead of fixing my eyes on the Truth I was focused on my fears. It is so incredible to me how easy I can fall back into this cycle. It gives me more patience for the Israelites and for the disciples.

My mind was churning with the never ending questions but one in particular stood out. If we are to expect trouble in this World and our deepest desire to know Him fully cannot be filled this side of Heaven then what's the point of trying?  Maybe I should just start expecting the worst out  of life [Lie alert!].  Well after a few horrible days of considering this option I watched "We Bought a Zoo." Silly I know but God can use all sorts of things to speak to His children. In this movie Matt Damon plays a widower with two children.  He ends up buying a zoo, fixing it up for the reopening and finds  his heart in the process.  There is this moment when he's sitting on the kitchen floor looking through photographs and he replays this memory of his family at the park. Possibly the last moment his wife is fully alive before getting sick unexpectedly. The laughter, the smiles, being together.  The perfect day.  From then on he starts seeing  through his pain and into the hearts of his children, his  coworkers and remembers what life is all about.  Moments.  Beauty captured.

Yes this life is painful and everywhere you look someone is suffering.  The part we cannot afford to forget is that He has already overcome the World! This is not all there is because Heaven will come to dry up our tears but until then we can look at the stars  to remember how big our God is. We can find beauty after a fire in the new life that springs up. We can taste His goodness in the rushing waters. We can see his gentleness in a delicate flower. We can witness His provision in the feeding of a sparrow. We can feel His heart beating when we sit with a hurting friend.  The beauty He has placed on this Earth are His gentle reminders to keep pursuing Him because He is worth it.  If I spend all my time expecting the worst then I'll miss out on all the beauty He's placed around me. So again....I choose Life. Dwelling on death was miserable. Don't try it.

Great is Thy Faithfulness

I have not posted in long time. God and I have been having long conversations on what to say...how much to divulge. I keep waiting to be inspired by good news or a fresh Word. However, He keeps asking me to be real; encouraging me to accept my identity in Him.

So here it goes....I have miscarried 3 times in past 5 years and we've been trying to conceive for the past 6. Even now the lies overwhelm me telling me of rejection; telling me my confession has the same weight as murder and who could accept such an unhealthy person. I am weak in the knees vulnerable as I admit to my "failure"...failure as a wife, a daughter, a woman. I have been told that "This is normal", "Your pump is being primed. All will be well with the next one." Hold on....keep waiting....hope against all hope so you don't drown.....why grieve now when all sorrow will be assuaged when that sweet babe is finally in your arms? That babe hasn't come, so now what?

Carrying pain around for 5 years becomes quite tiring, so I made a pact with God to deal with it once we moved to Port Alsworth. He held me to my word as I was practically isolated the first two months here as Jordan was guiding and my dad was beginning his new job. My days were mostly spent crying and asking God questions. I forced myself to look into the depths of my fear.....what if having a biological child on this Earth is not part of His plan for me? Could I survive? If that isn't His plan than what is my life purpose? Could I trust Him? Trust me when I tell you those 2 months were not fun by any means, but they were oh so healing.

I don't have answers to all my questions and probably never will but He began to show me His character and His love for me. He began revealing lies to me that were never part of His plan. I was really struck by Stephen's example. He was stoned by Paul, then Saul (of all people!). During his stoning Stephen declares, "Behold, I see the heavens opened up and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God" (Acts 7:56). It got me thinking about perspective. The Lord guaranteed we'd have trouble on this Earth, He never guaranteed comfort, happiness or fulfilled expectations (John 16:33). He's also guaranteed His love, His character. So if Stephen can praise God during His stoning and pray for his accusers, then surely I can learn to as well. It sounded much better to me than wallowing in my pain, wasting time waiting for an Earthly desire that may never come. So my prayers changed from asking the what ifs and whys to asking Him what His purpose is for my blip of a life. I'm only here for a moment and I don't want to spend it wishing for something that may never be mine to have in the first place. I want to spend it giving thanks for all He's given. First lie revealed was that my pain would stop once a child was in my arms. Saying it out loud makes it feel ridiculous that I could ever think that, but it was my lifeline. Truth: Our desires for things on this Earth are actually our attempts to fill the void placed within us at the Fall that can never be filled this side of Heaven. In "The Healing Path" Dan Allender describes surrender as "confessing that our deepest desire is not to succeed in business, to marry, to have kids, to be well, or simply happy; instead our deepest hunger is to SEE HIM." All else pales in comparison.

Second lie revealed was where I was placing my identity. A friend of the family approached me at church and little does she know she gave me my next breath. She said that having a child or not having one should never be my purpose. That is not my identity. Who I am is a child of God, covered by Grace, healed from within, promised eternity.  My purpose isn't to have a child, but to bring Him glory so that others might see Him. This began my redefining period where I asked the Lord to redefine motherhood for me since my definition seemed to be lacking. The Lord told me He already saw me as a mother, that my 3 wee ones were waiting for me. In His eyes my "desire" has already been fulfilled. He knows my pain is only temporary, that we will be reunited. When I look at myself through His eyes I find hope for another day because He sees and loves all of me. He does not see me as a failure or a murderer, but as His hurting child whose longings are bringing her closer to Himself.

Every day I have a choice on what to believe....the lies or the Truth. You have a choice too. Do you believe that He is good and that He is faithful? Do you believe He is who He says He is? He gently led me to the depths of my pain and I am healing. There is a long painful road ahead but if I surrender to His guidance "my soul can rest in His embrace for I am His and He is mine" (Oceans by Hillsong United). Lamentations 3:19-26 sums up this recent journey for me, "Remember my affliction and my wandering, the wormwood and bitterness. My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to my mind, therefore I have hope. The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in him.' The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."

Life After Mexico

At the end of January I was able to be with my sister during her last Homecoming. We had a weekend full of girlish pampering. She was voted Princess of the Sr class and I got to be her personal assistant for the weekend. Seems fitting, since she got to serve us older siblings most of her childhood ;) Ms. Amie Smithwick - stylist extraordinaire, drove all the way from Soldotna to blow our minds yet again with a fabulous updo. What a treat!

Princess Jodi

Stylist Team

Eric and Jodi <3>

So blessed by this lady all the time

This is what Costco shopping looks like when you have to shop for months at a time

My dad is the Head Coach for the Tanalian Lynx basketball team this year. Jordan helps out when he can and it's been so fun watching them work together.

Jordan was the Assistant Coach for the Lynx's only home game

Just another beautiful sunset as the lake was freezing over

 Jordan is working hard building The General and we are constantly praying for our summer/winter plans. There are so many unknowns, but He holds our future and we are trusting His guidance. Please join us in prayer for discernment in decisions, for His purposes to prevail in our life and for opportunities to selflessly love each other and our community.

January

As you can well imagine, Mexico was incredible. We had a great time just being together! It was the first time we've been able to hang out exclusively for an extended period of time since before Jordan and Danis joined the family. We had lots of adventures and lots of time reading by the pool or beach. My most favorite adventure was discovering "White Clam Beach". We were driving to a town North of Loreto and happened upon this little cove tucked around one of the road bends. We decided to forget the Northern town and followed this little dirt road to our "postcard" beach with white sand, shells galore, crystal clear shallow water. The girls laid out and the boys hit the water. Not too long after our arrival the boys started hollering...clams! We all raced to the water to see what all the fuss was because clams aren't usually anything to shout about especially to us Alaskans. What we found was a jackpot. They were everywhere. All you had to do was grab a handful of sand and voila you had 3 clams. In about 5 minutes we had WAY more than we could ever eat. We spent the rest of the day snorkeling, reading, sunbathing, playing frisbee, etc. Once home we had a clam bake and with lots of leftovers we made clam chowder the next day. It was quite the memorable experience. When Riley Smithwick joined us in Mexico we hoped to take him there, but cloudy days deterred our plans. Instead we toured a beautiful Mission and explored a dry river bed. Not the same, but still fun.

Anyway, now we are home and back to reality. The first week is always the hardest when your tan fades and sleep in days become a distant memory, but we survived and are now back into the routine. BethAnne came home with me, which helped with the transition. It was wonderful getting that extra time with her. Since we've been home the boys have worked extra hard on Jordan and I's room (we had to move out for the spray foam job and didn't want to move back in until the sheet-rock was up). Yesterday I was thrilled to move our things back into our room. There is still ALOT of work to do, but we have our own space again and that is delightful. It is amazing how the "normal" things in life become such a privilege after taking them for granted for so many years.....closets, dishwasher, a decent bed, shelves, rooms, etc. We still don't have all these and are getting them back slowly, but I've decided that its okay. The only way my organized brain and controlling heart have survived living in this beautiful mess for so long is because of my Jesus and He will carry me through until its over. A potentially miserable few months has become a blessing filled with great memories. I think I'll be a little sad when its all over....maybe.

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18