We are all searching for something, desperate for answers. Right when we grasp a little truth our foot slips and we become paralyzed with the fear of falling. After my last blog post my foot slipped and instead of fixing my eyes on the Truth I was focused on my fears. It is so incredible to me how easy I can fall back into this cycle. It gives me more patience for the Israelites and for the disciples.
My mind was churning with the never ending questions but one in particular stood out. If we are to expect trouble in this World and our deepest desire to know Him fully cannot be filled this side of Heaven then what's the point of trying? Maybe I should just start expecting the worst out of life [Lie alert!]. Well after a few horrible days of considering this option I watched "We Bought a Zoo." Silly I know but God can use all sorts of things to speak to His children. In this movie Matt Damon plays a widower with two children. He ends up buying a zoo, fixing it up for the reopening and finds his heart in the process. There is this moment when he's sitting on the kitchen floor looking through photographs and he replays this memory of his family at the park. Possibly the last moment his wife is fully alive before getting sick unexpectedly. The laughter, the smiles, being together. The perfect day. From then on he starts seeing through his pain and into the hearts of his children, his coworkers and remembers what life is all about. Moments. Beauty captured.
Yes this life is painful and everywhere you look someone is suffering. The part we cannot afford to forget is that He has already overcome the World! This is not all there is because Heaven will come to dry up our tears but until then we can look at the stars to remember how big our God is. We can find beauty after a fire in the new life that springs up. We can taste His goodness in the rushing waters. We can see his gentleness in a delicate flower. We can witness His provision in the feeding of a sparrow. We can feel His heart beating when we sit with a hurting friend. The beauty He has placed on this Earth are His gentle reminders to keep pursuing Him because He is worth it. If I spend all my time expecting the worst then I'll miss out on all the beauty He's placed around me. So again....I choose Life. Dwelling on death was miserable. Don't try it.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Great is Thy Faithfulness
I have not posted in long time. God and I have been having long conversations on what to say...how much to divulge. I keep waiting to be inspired by good news or a fresh Word. However, He keeps asking me to be real; encouraging me to accept my identity in Him.
So here it goes....I have miscarried 3 times in past 5 years and we've been trying to conceive for the past 6. Even now the lies overwhelm me telling me of rejection; telling me my confession has the same weight as murder and who could accept such an unhealthy person. I am weak in the knees vulnerable as I admit to my "failure"...failure as a wife, a daughter, a woman. I have been told that "This is normal", "Your pump is being primed. All will be well with the next one." Hold on....keep waiting....hope against all hope so you don't drown.....why grieve now when all sorrow will be assuaged when that sweet babe is finally in your arms? That babe hasn't come, so now what?
Carrying pain around for 5 years becomes quite tiring, so I made a pact with God to deal with it once we moved to Port Alsworth. He held me to my word as I was practically isolated the first two months here as Jordan was guiding and my dad was beginning his new job. My days were mostly spent crying and asking God questions. I forced myself to look into the depths of my fear.....what if having a biological child on this Earth is not part of His plan for me? Could I survive? If that isn't His plan than what is my life purpose? Could I trust Him? Trust me when I tell you those 2 months were not fun by any means, but they were oh so healing.
I don't have answers to all my questions and probably never will but He began to show me His character and His love for me. He began revealing lies to me that were never part of His plan. I was really struck by Stephen's example. He was stoned by Paul, then Saul (of all people!). During his stoning Stephen declares, "Behold, I see the heavens opened up and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God" (Acts 7:56). It got me thinking about perspective. The Lord guaranteed we'd have trouble on this Earth, He never guaranteed comfort, happiness or fulfilled expectations (John 16:33). He's also guaranteed His love, His character. So if Stephen can praise God during His stoning and pray for his accusers, then surely I can learn to as well. It sounded much better to me than wallowing in my pain, wasting time waiting for an Earthly desire that may never come. So my prayers changed from asking the what ifs and whys to asking Him what His purpose is for my blip of a life. I'm only here for a moment and I don't want to spend it wishing for something that may never be mine to have in the first place. I want to spend it giving thanks for all He's given. First lie revealed was that my pain would stop once a child was in my arms. Saying it out loud makes it feel ridiculous that I could ever think that, but it was my lifeline. Truth: Our desires for things on this Earth are actually our attempts to fill the void placed within us at the Fall that can never be filled this side of Heaven. In "The Healing Path" Dan Allender describes surrender as "confessing that our deepest desire is not to succeed in business, to marry, to have kids, to be well, or simply happy; instead our deepest hunger is to SEE HIM." All else pales in comparison.
Second lie revealed was where I was placing my identity. A friend of the family approached me at church and little does she know she gave me my next breath. She said that having a child or not having one should never be my purpose. That is not my identity. Who I am is a child of God, covered by Grace, healed from within, promised eternity. My purpose isn't to have a child, but to bring Him glory so that others might see Him. This began my redefining period where I asked the Lord to redefine motherhood for me since my definition seemed to be lacking. The Lord told me He already saw me as a mother, that my 3 wee ones were waiting for me. In His eyes my "desire" has already been fulfilled. He knows my pain is only temporary, that we will be reunited. When I look at myself through His eyes I find hope for another day because He sees and loves all of me. He does not see me as a failure or a murderer, but as His hurting child whose longings are bringing her closer to Himself.
Every day I have a choice on what to believe....the lies or the Truth. You have a choice too. Do you believe that He is good and that He is faithful? Do you believe He is who He says He is? He gently led me to the depths of my pain and I am healing. There is a long painful road ahead but if I surrender to His guidance "my soul can rest in His embrace for I am His and He is mine" (Oceans by Hillsong United). Lamentations 3:19-26 sums up this recent journey for me, "Remember my affliction and my wandering, the wormwood and bitterness. My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to my mind, therefore I have hope. The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in him.' The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
So here it goes....I have miscarried 3 times in past 5 years and we've been trying to conceive for the past 6. Even now the lies overwhelm me telling me of rejection; telling me my confession has the same weight as murder and who could accept such an unhealthy person. I am weak in the knees vulnerable as I admit to my "failure"...failure as a wife, a daughter, a woman. I have been told that "This is normal", "Your pump is being primed. All will be well with the next one." Hold on....keep waiting....hope against all hope so you don't drown.....why grieve now when all sorrow will be assuaged when that sweet babe is finally in your arms? That babe hasn't come, so now what?
Carrying pain around for 5 years becomes quite tiring, so I made a pact with God to deal with it once we moved to Port Alsworth. He held me to my word as I was practically isolated the first two months here as Jordan was guiding and my dad was beginning his new job. My days were mostly spent crying and asking God questions. I forced myself to look into the depths of my fear.....what if having a biological child on this Earth is not part of His plan for me? Could I survive? If that isn't His plan than what is my life purpose? Could I trust Him? Trust me when I tell you those 2 months were not fun by any means, but they were oh so healing.
I don't have answers to all my questions and probably never will but He began to show me His character and His love for me. He began revealing lies to me that were never part of His plan. I was really struck by Stephen's example. He was stoned by Paul, then Saul (of all people!). During his stoning Stephen declares, "Behold, I see the heavens opened up and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God" (Acts 7:56). It got me thinking about perspective. The Lord guaranteed we'd have trouble on this Earth, He never guaranteed comfort, happiness or fulfilled expectations (John 16:33). He's also guaranteed His love, His character. So if Stephen can praise God during His stoning and pray for his accusers, then surely I can learn to as well. It sounded much better to me than wallowing in my pain, wasting time waiting for an Earthly desire that may never come. So my prayers changed from asking the what ifs and whys to asking Him what His purpose is for my blip of a life. I'm only here for a moment and I don't want to spend it wishing for something that may never be mine to have in the first place. I want to spend it giving thanks for all He's given. First lie revealed was that my pain would stop once a child was in my arms. Saying it out loud makes it feel ridiculous that I could ever think that, but it was my lifeline. Truth: Our desires for things on this Earth are actually our attempts to fill the void placed within us at the Fall that can never be filled this side of Heaven. In "The Healing Path" Dan Allender describes surrender as "confessing that our deepest desire is not to succeed in business, to marry, to have kids, to be well, or simply happy; instead our deepest hunger is to SEE HIM." All else pales in comparison.
Second lie revealed was where I was placing my identity. A friend of the family approached me at church and little does she know she gave me my next breath. She said that having a child or not having one should never be my purpose. That is not my identity. Who I am is a child of God, covered by Grace, healed from within, promised eternity. My purpose isn't to have a child, but to bring Him glory so that others might see Him. This began my redefining period where I asked the Lord to redefine motherhood for me since my definition seemed to be lacking. The Lord told me He already saw me as a mother, that my 3 wee ones were waiting for me. In His eyes my "desire" has already been fulfilled. He knows my pain is only temporary, that we will be reunited. When I look at myself through His eyes I find hope for another day because He sees and loves all of me. He does not see me as a failure or a murderer, but as His hurting child whose longings are bringing her closer to Himself.
Every day I have a choice on what to believe....the lies or the Truth. You have a choice too. Do you believe that He is good and that He is faithful? Do you believe He is who He says He is? He gently led me to the depths of my pain and I am healing. There is a long painful road ahead but if I surrender to His guidance "my soul can rest in His embrace for I am His and He is mine" (Oceans by Hillsong United). Lamentations 3:19-26 sums up this recent journey for me, "Remember my affliction and my wandering, the wormwood and bitterness. My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to my mind, therefore I have hope. The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in him.' The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
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