Great are you Lord

"Delight yourself in the Lord 

and He will give you the desires of your heart." 

Psalm 37:4

"Ask and it will be given to you; 

seek and you will find; 

knock, and it will be opened to you. 

For everyone who asks receives, 

and the one who seeks finds, 

and to the one who knocks it will be opened." 

Matthew 7:7-8

Since the beginning of our infertility journey I have struggled immensely with these verses and others like them. I felt like I was asking, I was knocking, I was delighting and still nothing was happening. I would hear other "miracle" stories and as I was smiling my congratulations, my heart was crying out, "Why them and not me?", "I'm asking too aren't I?", "Am I not doing it right?" The stories of others meant to give me hope only left me discouraged and confused. I began to resent them and the people in them. 

All the doctors kept saying you're healthy, this is normal, we don't worry about it until after your third ("Three!! Are you kidding me?? I don't want to do this three more times before you care" were my thoughts after my first). I kept waiting, I kept asking, but time and again babies were lost and my heart was bleeding. Finally after my third I was at wits end, I was tired, I was confused, I didn't know how to move forward, I started realizing I was stuck in the wanting and what I was hoping for may never come. In my journal, on February 8, 2014, I wrote, "My desire to be a mom has been all consuming for too long. I have grieved - am grieving- but its time to move forward. I don't want the next 10+ years to be wasted in waiting when I could be making a difference. I have been paralyzed for far too long. I'm ready to share my journey." We had moved to Port Alsworth that fall and this was the start of my healing. I had to be ready to face my fear, in that we may never have biological children. I also had to be ready to let go of my pain, seems an odd thing to say but I was afraid that, "if I let go no one would pray, no one would remember my littles in heaven. My pain connected me to them." (paraphrased from same journal entry). Jesus whispered...."I will."

My prayers changed from "God bless us with a child", to "God I want more of You." I started listening and He began to heal my heart. I heard that "what gives Him pleasure is us drawing nearer to Himself. His will is to constantly transform our minds towards relationship with Him. A lot of times its through the tragedies of life or unanswered prayers that our hearts can become more like His when we choose to abide. Our minds are renewed throughout struggle" (paraphrased from journal entry April 4, 2014). Romans 12:2 tells us "not to be conformed to this world, but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds, that by testing we may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." It was difficult for my world-trained brain to accept the possibility that God was drawing me near through troubled times, by not granting us with full-term pregnancies...chubby cheeks to squish...littles to hold. Slowly, as I kept choosing to believe that God is good and always faithful, He was renewing my mind to be more in line with His desire for me. He was giving me the "radical gift of hope - the ability to continue to dream when failure and disappointment cloud the sun" (The Healing Path by Dan Allender). My desire to be a mom never left but He gave me a new perspective: "I can look to the future with hope instead of pain. He is binding my wounds and I am so grateful! The desire is still there but letting Him take care of it is bringing joy back into my life. There are still hard days but I'm recognizing the lies [...] I see much victory and I see His glory! I see a long road ahead but I also see His hand in mine" (journal entry from April 25, 2014). 

Cole Wesley was born to us on October 8, 2016 after 9 years of marriage (Praise the Lord!!). We are filled with JOY that God saw fit to provide for us a son. I share my thoughts above because God healed me 2 years ago....2 years before Cole's birth. I finally let go and let Him work out my desires to align more with His. I still have days that I don't understand and days that are hard on multiple levels, but I have seen that God is good and I choose to trust Him even when He says no, even when life is ugly. I found JOY before an earthly desire was fulfilled and I want the world to know....I want to remember. I still have so much to learn but I know this: He is good, He is faithful, He is trustworthy, He is there. Dan Allender of The Healing Path describes joy as this, "joy is not an absence of struggle or sorrow but the taste of the presence of God as He surprises us with His gracious love, whatever the circumstances." God didn't have to give us Cole, but He did and I know without a shadow of a doubt that we still would have lived a joyful, abundant life had He not. God did that. God is moving. He is healer.

"He gives life

He is love

He brings light to the darkness

He gives hope and restores every heart that is broken. 

It's His breath in my lungs, 

so I am pouring out my praise! 

GREAT ARE YOU, LORD!"

("Great Are You, Lord" by All Sons and Daughters)

   Photo by Kathryn Bronn Photography

Enough

Too many emotions rolling through my brain to really get a handle on how my heart is, but here I am 37 weeks into this and realizing more and more that life as I know it is about to get drastically different. Not only because, duh a baby's on the way, but because in the past since my future hasn’t always turned out as planned I've defaulted to expecting the worst. Seemed better to be prepared for the pain instead of surprised by it. However, during this journey I've learned to enjoy each moment for what it has to offer. This has worked wonders in healing my heart and I’m thankful that for the most part these 9 months have been joy-filled as opposed to angst-riddled. Only God. So not only are my circumstances changing, but my perspective has been getting an overhaul as well. 

Now as time draws nearer to labor, recovery, newborn highs and lows, I am reminded of where I’ve been and what’s ahead. To be honest dwelling in the present feels easier, which is new for me, but to not recognize where I’ve been takes away from His work in me and to not acknowledge what’s ahead takes away from His gift and really is quite foolish when it comes to preparing for a life change. I am brought to tears constantly as this all comes to a head. This particular pregnancy has obviously only been 9 months, but our fertility journey has been 9 years in the making. To wrap all that up in a nice neat bow is impossible, but that’s what its been….a gift. Those beginning years were filled with such doubt, fear and mistrust that it’s only by His Grace my heart’s not a confused, tangled mess right now, that I’m able to glimpse His hand in it all and be grateful. 

A long time ago, the Jeremy Camp song, “Enough” struck a chord with me, so much so that I wrote in my journal, “God I want you to be enough for me”. Since then He’s brought me into the desert and given me treasures that can only be found in the darkness (Isaiah 45:3), then He led me out into the promise and has healed my heart in ways you cannot imagine. Today I can say that He’s answered my prayer, He is enough for me. He’s gotten me this far and though there’s been pain in the journey, there’s also been everlasting peace, unending joy, persistent hope, and His loving-kindness through it all and I wouldn’t trade any of those lessons for my babies, for the world. Because of Him I know I will see them again.

I pray that this new one will be brought into this world full of life and health, but if not I know my Savior lives and because of that there will always be Hope for tomorrow. He alone can get me through what’s to come. After 9 years you’d think I’d feel prepared for a new babe, but I fear ignorance can be bliss. It terrifies me to raise a child in this world and as ready as I am to finally hold one of my dear ones, I don’t think anyone can ever fully be prepared to parent. Thankfully because of the story He’s written in me I know I’ll never be alone. Thankfully my story involves several others, like you, who’ve been prayer warriors through it all and are surrounding us even now. Thank you. I will never be able to accurately express what it means to us to be supported by such a great cloud of witnesses to His Glory, to His Promises, to His Hope….witnesses who’ve also gone through the fire and still choose to believe. I pray blessings over you all. 

So with that…..Let’s do this :D

Strange Goodbyes

Over halfway and I still can’t believe it! So far, symptoms have been mild and all my appointments have gone well. I had maternity photos taken yesterday and it all feels like a dream. October seems very far away, but with Summer crazy on the horizon I know it will fly by. Jordan’s been guiding hunts this month in Canoe Bay and has had a very successful season…3 clients, 3 ginormous bears, great weather. He gets home this week and I can’t wait! I’ve been feeling the little one move more and more, but have been trying to ward off all the hands because I want him to be the first to feel movement :D 

The hardest thing overall has definitely been all the brain chatter. I’m realizing that my default has become “prepare for disappointment” that way I’ll be surprised with any fulfillment, but not crushed if things don’t turn out quite how I’ve hoped. Interesting thing is that forever ago my mom mentioned something of the sort when we were preparing for a vacation. She voiced a similar mantra because not all the logistics were in place yet and she wasn’t ready to fully embrace anticipating the might be vacation until it was more of a will be. I remember feeling sad for her because she wasn’t able to enjoy all the excitement, the joy in what was surely to come. Now here I am in my own journey and I totally resonate with her, but I don't think this is what the Lord intended for us when He came to bring abundant life to His people (John 10:10).

I am balancing on this precipice between sorrowful realities and joyful anticipation. As much as I am thrilled for this little one, I am just as much waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. Every time I add something to my registry, plan the nursery, discuss labor or newborns, imagine my summer/fall, etc a little thought always passes through my head reminding me that this could all be over in a second, so I then I have a choice. I can entertain that thought and go through the imaginary logistics of returning items, buying new non-maternity bridesmaid dresses, undoing my nursery, blah blah blah OR I can say, “honestly, yes that could happen but today I’m going to choose hope. Today I choose to believe that whatever comes my way the Lord can and is preparing me. I will not only survive, but I will THRIVE.” Asking myself those never-ending “what if” questions suck the joy from my life, leaving me in fear of all the unknowns I can’t control. However, I do think it’s important to realize that bad things do happen, but its the dwelling there that robs me of life. 

I’ve lived so long being content with unfulfilled dreams that I’ve forgotten what its like to live in fulfillment of them! The funny thing is I’m struggling with letting all that go because I’ve found sweetness here amongst all the bitter. I’ve found comfort and healing in the arms of the Lord because I turned to Him in my desert. He has sustained me here and I’ve found new perspective. He has taught me that pain is a good thing and that He makes all things new in His time. Although I felt neglected in my desires, I have found that He can change desire to match His own and that there’s more to life than what we think we want. I found beauty among the ashes and leaving this season is a bitter-sweet goodbye. Thankfully our Lord never changes, so I can trust that whatever is to come in this next season will be met by Him. He will never leave me (Heb 13:5), He will complete His work started in me (Phil 1:6), He will meet me where I am and reveal more of Himself. He will bring life.  

Not surprisingly Sarah Hagerty of “Every Bitter thing is Sweet” again echoes my thoughts, “How do you say goodbye to a season that He’s used to make you into who you are?”

Photo Credit: Kathryn Bronn

Beauty from Ashes

   When I was little my dad decided to work towards his Masters degree at Seattle Pacific University, so my parents loaded the family into our trusty Plymouth Voyager and drove down to the PNW. Crazy, but some of my favorite childhood memories are on the Alaska-Canada Hwy. The one I’d like to share is dear to my heart and has given me an awesome visual for what the Lord has done and is doing in our lives. 

   We left Anchorage right after school let out for the summer and a few days in we found ourselves stuck in the middle of nowhere waiting out a forest fire. It was on both sides of the road, but after what seemed like forever they let us through. The barrenness of that stretch of road was breathtaking. The first time I’d seen such destruction. I remember asking my parents why and would anything ever grow back. It all seemed nonsensical to me, but I was young so the concept of the cycles of nature were foreign. We eventually made it to Seattle, had a memorable time, then in August headed back to Alaska. 

   We were not prepared for what we saw as we passed through the same area that months before stopped us due to fire. Amongst the charred remains of the once great Spruce were millions of brightly colored fireweed. The color was otherworldly against the black backdrop of devastation. We hopped out and took several pictures, but nothing quite captured what our eyes were seeing. My dad reminded us that this is what God does. He takes the ugly, the barren, the broken and He makes them new. He repurposes them for His glory. That summer I saw firsthand what that could look like and have carried that visual through my darkest days. 

   The Lord is making all things new, He is making beauty from ashes and is always working for our good (Rev 21:5, Isaiah 61:1-3, Romans 8:28).  

   Many of you have followed my blog closely and I have to apologize that my posts have been scarce as of late. This year has been difficult to put down into words. I’ve barely even journaled, but He has brought me to such a place where I’ve been contented, non-desperate, and at peace that my need to verbally process through writing has not been necessary. I don’t know how else to explain… 

   I chose this weekend to reveal what the Lord is doing because obviously its a great reminder of what He’s done for us, but also because it so accurately reflects what He’s done in my life. He’s taken me through the darkness of infertility and through it has healed my heart. I need to quote Sarah Hagerty (“Every Bitter Thing is Sweet”) again because her journey is such a reflection of where He’s taken me and I can now confidently claim her words as my own, “‘A satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb, but to a hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.’ I don't want to be a hungry soul just for a season, I want to live hunger. This is what draws me to Him. This is what fills every single bitter circumstance with the opportunity to know Him more. This is what brings me to the sweetness of His presence […] Because when I choose hope, when I choose to engage in that awkward intimacy of believing that He might say no while asking expectantly that He say yes, He gets the most beautiful part of me […] a baby in my arms is not something our healing has earned, the culmination of our hope. We each have a deeper journey still […] WINTER AND SPRING: HE IS HEALER IN BOTH.”

   With the above in mind, Jordan and I are thrilled to announce that God has given us another opportunity to be parents! On January 31 we were surprised to find out that I’m pregnant again. We have since had a successful ultrasound and have heard this little one’s heartbeat multiple times. I’m 13 weeks as of today, so only 189 days left :D This is the furthest along I’ve been by a lot and I know there’s a long way to go, but we are so thrilled for this opportunity to give Him the glory no matter what our future holds. We know that He’ll take care of us and He’ll take care of our baby. We covet your prayers as we forge ahead into these unknown waters. Please pray that we can “engage in the awkward intimacy of believing He might say no while asking expectantly that He say yes”, that we will find more of Him as we seek Him, that our hearts will be prepared for what’s to come, and that we can actively engage in the joy set before us, unhindered by the doubts, fears and worry that plague our minds. 

   We are thankful for your support through this journey and are excited to be among such people as you while we embark on yet another life changing journey. You have acted as God’s hands, feet and voice and we couldn’t have made it through this without you. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.