Strange Goodbyes

Over halfway and I still can’t believe it! So far, symptoms have been mild and all my appointments have gone well. I had maternity photos taken yesterday and it all feels like a dream. October seems very far away, but with Summer crazy on the horizon I know it will fly by. Jordan’s been guiding hunts this month in Canoe Bay and has had a very successful season…3 clients, 3 ginormous bears, great weather. He gets home this week and I can’t wait! I’ve been feeling the little one move more and more, but have been trying to ward off all the hands because I want him to be the first to feel movement :D 

The hardest thing overall has definitely been all the brain chatter. I’m realizing that my default has become “prepare for disappointment” that way I’ll be surprised with any fulfillment, but not crushed if things don’t turn out quite how I’ve hoped. Interesting thing is that forever ago my mom mentioned something of the sort when we were preparing for a vacation. She voiced a similar mantra because not all the logistics were in place yet and she wasn’t ready to fully embrace anticipating the might be vacation until it was more of a will be. I remember feeling sad for her because she wasn’t able to enjoy all the excitement, the joy in what was surely to come. Now here I am in my own journey and I totally resonate with her, but I don't think this is what the Lord intended for us when He came to bring abundant life to His people (John 10:10).

I am balancing on this precipice between sorrowful realities and joyful anticipation. As much as I am thrilled for this little one, I am just as much waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. Every time I add something to my registry, plan the nursery, discuss labor or newborns, imagine my summer/fall, etc a little thought always passes through my head reminding me that this could all be over in a second, so I then I have a choice. I can entertain that thought and go through the imaginary logistics of returning items, buying new non-maternity bridesmaid dresses, undoing my nursery, blah blah blah OR I can say, “honestly, yes that could happen but today I’m going to choose hope. Today I choose to believe that whatever comes my way the Lord can and is preparing me. I will not only survive, but I will THRIVE.” Asking myself those never-ending “what if” questions suck the joy from my life, leaving me in fear of all the unknowns I can’t control. However, I do think it’s important to realize that bad things do happen, but its the dwelling there that robs me of life. 

I’ve lived so long being content with unfulfilled dreams that I’ve forgotten what its like to live in fulfillment of them! The funny thing is I’m struggling with letting all that go because I’ve found sweetness here amongst all the bitter. I’ve found comfort and healing in the arms of the Lord because I turned to Him in my desert. He has sustained me here and I’ve found new perspective. He has taught me that pain is a good thing and that He makes all things new in His time. Although I felt neglected in my desires, I have found that He can change desire to match His own and that there’s more to life than what we think we want. I found beauty among the ashes and leaving this season is a bitter-sweet goodbye. Thankfully our Lord never changes, so I can trust that whatever is to come in this next season will be met by Him. He will never leave me (Heb 13:5), He will complete His work started in me (Phil 1:6), He will meet me where I am and reveal more of Himself. He will bring life.  

Not surprisingly Sarah Hagerty of “Every Bitter thing is Sweet” again echoes my thoughts, “How do you say goodbye to a season that He’s used to make you into who you are?”

Photo Credit: Kathryn Bronn