Beauty from Ashes

   When I was little my dad decided to work towards his Masters degree at Seattle Pacific University, so my parents loaded the family into our trusty Plymouth Voyager and drove down to the PNW. Crazy, but some of my favorite childhood memories are on the Alaska-Canada Hwy. The one I’d like to share is dear to my heart and has given me an awesome visual for what the Lord has done and is doing in our lives. 

   We left Anchorage right after school let out for the summer and a few days in we found ourselves stuck in the middle of nowhere waiting out a forest fire. It was on both sides of the road, but after what seemed like forever they let us through. The barrenness of that stretch of road was breathtaking. The first time I’d seen such destruction. I remember asking my parents why and would anything ever grow back. It all seemed nonsensical to me, but I was young so the concept of the cycles of nature were foreign. We eventually made it to Seattle, had a memorable time, then in August headed back to Alaska. 

   We were not prepared for what we saw as we passed through the same area that months before stopped us due to fire. Amongst the charred remains of the once great Spruce were millions of brightly colored fireweed. The color was otherworldly against the black backdrop of devastation. We hopped out and took several pictures, but nothing quite captured what our eyes were seeing. My dad reminded us that this is what God does. He takes the ugly, the barren, the broken and He makes them new. He repurposes them for His glory. That summer I saw firsthand what that could look like and have carried that visual through my darkest days. 

   The Lord is making all things new, He is making beauty from ashes and is always working for our good (Rev 21:5, Isaiah 61:1-3, Romans 8:28).  

   Many of you have followed my blog closely and I have to apologize that my posts have been scarce as of late. This year has been difficult to put down into words. I’ve barely even journaled, but He has brought me to such a place where I’ve been contented, non-desperate, and at peace that my need to verbally process through writing has not been necessary. I don’t know how else to explain… 

   I chose this weekend to reveal what the Lord is doing because obviously its a great reminder of what He’s done for us, but also because it so accurately reflects what He’s done in my life. He’s taken me through the darkness of infertility and through it has healed my heart. I need to quote Sarah Hagerty (“Every Bitter Thing is Sweet”) again because her journey is such a reflection of where He’s taken me and I can now confidently claim her words as my own, “‘A satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb, but to a hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.’ I don't want to be a hungry soul just for a season, I want to live hunger. This is what draws me to Him. This is what fills every single bitter circumstance with the opportunity to know Him more. This is what brings me to the sweetness of His presence […] Because when I choose hope, when I choose to engage in that awkward intimacy of believing that He might say no while asking expectantly that He say yes, He gets the most beautiful part of me […] a baby in my arms is not something our healing has earned, the culmination of our hope. We each have a deeper journey still […] WINTER AND SPRING: HE IS HEALER IN BOTH.”

   With the above in mind, Jordan and I are thrilled to announce that God has given us another opportunity to be parents! On January 31 we were surprised to find out that I’m pregnant again. We have since had a successful ultrasound and have heard this little one’s heartbeat multiple times. I’m 13 weeks as of today, so only 189 days left :D This is the furthest along I’ve been by a lot and I know there’s a long way to go, but we are so thrilled for this opportunity to give Him the glory no matter what our future holds. We know that He’ll take care of us and He’ll take care of our baby. We covet your prayers as we forge ahead into these unknown waters. Please pray that we can “engage in the awkward intimacy of believing He might say no while asking expectantly that He say yes”, that we will find more of Him as we seek Him, that our hearts will be prepared for what’s to come, and that we can actively engage in the joy set before us, unhindered by the doubts, fears and worry that plague our minds. 

   We are thankful for your support through this journey and are excited to be among such people as you while we embark on yet another life changing journey. You have acted as God’s hands, feet and voice and we couldn’t have made it through this without you. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. 

Jesus is the Reason

Merry CHRISTmas from the Webers! 2015 brought us a new house, an Australian Shepherd puppy we named K'eyush (means "Little Bear"), a successful summer at The General, a sweet teenage girl to host for the school year (we are thrilled to have room to share and she's been a joy to have around),  and a Thanksgiving surprise when Jodi bought last minute tickets home.

We give thanks for all His many blessings and for His Peace through the busy seasons. We thank you for your support and for your love. Here's a few photos of what we've been up to:

Family Boat Trip 

Getting acquainted

K'eyush

Jordan heading to Canoe Bay to hunt the Big Bears

Jordan's parents came for a visit!

At my Aunt Jenny's wedding

At my Aunt Jessie's wedding

Seasons

We moved into our home on June 17 (yay!), so life has been full of moving and finishing the house and working our jobs. We were without water the first 10 days, then everything slowly fell into place once that was hooked up. Our home is quite livable now, but there is a lot to do still (i.e., siding, shelving, trim). I’ve had a lot of fun making it a home and pulling out my decorations. We’ve lived in Port Alsworth for 2 years now so they’ve been in storage a long time! Work at The General Lodge was wonderful this year, truly, and its been difficult to say goodbye for the winter. The last day of the summer season was Sept 4. Jordan stayed quite busy between guiding trips for the lodge and working on our house. We got to see each other almost everyday, which for us is exciting, and be in our own house no less! We are still trying to piece together jobs for the winter but so far I will be nannying 3 days a week and he hopes to get onto a construction job. There are quite a few homes being built out here at the moment so hopefully one of them gets closed in before the snow falls. 

Today I am thankful that God made seasons. Autumn is upon us and summer is already becoming a distant memory. Although this summer was good, I am still looking forward to the quiet of an Alaskan fall/winter. I seem to lose track of myself during the summer. Between working and trying to sneak away for bonfires, campouts, and hikes it’s difficult to find any time for reflection. I find that busy seasons are hardest for me know how to be in-tune with my heart. Busy isn’t necessarily bad I just need to choose to be more intentional with how I spend my time, being present in the present. For example, why not bring my journal along with me to the next campout? or actually remembering to pray for the person I’m making coffee for? Still working out the details, but living an intentional life focused on loving God and others regardless of how busy I am or not is what the Lord’s been challenging me with this past season. 

Now its fall and things are slowing down a lot. Nannying doesn’t start until October, so I have lots of time to reflect. I’ve been reading this book by Sarah Hagerty called “Every Bitter Thing is Sweet” and it always amazes me when I read my own thoughts in a book. She has struggled like all of us and like some of us she’s found His Joy and Peace through her pain. There is a lot I could talk on like realizing my perception of God is quite skewed most of the time or being challenged to see others who God made them to be and not who they or we think they are, but the quote I’d like to share with you all today is this: “‘A satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb, but to a hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.’ I don’t want to be a hungry soul just for a season. I want to live hunger. This is what draws me to Him. This is what fills every single bitter circumstance with the opportunity to know Him more. This is what brings me to the sweetness of His presence. […] Because when I choose hope, when I choose to engage in that awkward intimacy of believing that He might say no while asking expectantly that He say yes, He gets the most beautiful part of me.” I’ve been hearing this everywhere and think maybe it’s time to listen…..This lined up perfectly with what I’ve been reading in James. James 1:5-6 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.” 

Honestly my flesh hates this, every time I read through the quote or sit down to try and process what all this means I hear screaming. I hear, “if you place your hope there you’ll never get what you want, you won’t be in control, He’ll never say yes to you, only a fool would hope in the impossible, its only going to hurt worse, you’ll be disappointed again.” I have to consciously make the effort to drown out the noise and only then do I begin to remember all the times He has said yes, then I start hearing snippets of His whispers to me, “I made you who you are and you are beautiful to me, you are not broken but healed, you are not cursed but chosen, in the eyes of eternity I will not disappoint, I am your Redeemer and you can hope in me.”  My heart aches with doubt, I want to ask in faith but there seems to be this wall of doubt I can’t get through. I don’t know how to “believe He might say no while asking expectantly that He say yes.” I usually ask expecting the no so that I’m not as disappointed. So this is the challenge for my next season: Choosing to hope even if the answer is no and realizing that even in the bitter there is sweet to consume. Through Him I can have faith without doubt. “Winter and spring: He is healer in both.” (Sarah Hagerty)

“Though the fig tree should not blossom,

 nor fruit be on the vines, 

the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, 

the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, 

yet I will rejoice in the Lord;

 I will take joy in the God of my salvation. 

God, the Lord, is my strength; 

He makes my feet like the deer’s; 

He makes me tread on my high places.”

Habbakuk 3:17-19

Motherhood

I don't know whether it's because I'm in the thick of it or if it's really true, but it seems that there is a movement going on in our world, a movement of awareness for "untraditional" mothers. I have no hard research to back me up, but I do know there are a lot of women choosing vulnerability through social media on this topic. I have been moved to the core with what the Lord is doing through unborn children, through adoption, foster care, and other such situations. God sure uses all kinds of avenues to remove the stones from my heart.

For at least two years now I have been wrestling with the idea of motherhood. It's what most girls dream of and what a lot of women are (whether they want to be or not). Since my motherhood dream wasn't coming about how I anticipated, I began to wonder where this longing was coming from: was it a cultural expectation or had the Lord actually placed this longing within me. A part of me desires children because that's what's expected of me as a woman, especially because without having babies for this long people become uncomfortable. I've gotten the question (in jest, but still it was painful) "you do know how it works don't you?" I want the awkwardness to stop, so naturally I feel the need to provide what's lacking. However, I also long to fulfill the desire that God has placed in all women. We were created to be fruitful and multiply (Gen 1:28), so females are wired around that calling. Even our curse after the Fall is directly related to how He's made us (Gen 3:16). Although I believe that the Lord does so with other women, I don't feel He's ever impressed upon me, specifically, that I would be a mother to my own biological or adopted child.

I have been upset for a long time, believing the lie that He was withholding what was mine because I wasn't good enough yet. However, once I began asking the questions and looking at my situation objectively I remember that there is no guarantee. Just because it's what I expected, doesn't ever mean that's how it'll turn out.

So what does Motherhood mean for me? It's a part of my design as a female, but how can I utilize these gifts while I hope for the seemingly impossible? The Lord answered me through Paul in 1 Thessalonians 2:7-8, "But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us." If he can give Paul (a man!) a mother's love then can't he also give as much to me? I can experience that love I so long for through Him! While this doesn't take away the awkwardness or the ache, it does shed light on how I can use the gifts he's given me as an individual and as a sister in Christ. I don't have to keep waiting! He is alive and working the good out in me, giving me purpose and hope in the everyday.

I really love Ann Voskamp's words this morning, "Time can't dictate dreams or hijack hope or determine destination. Time may have hands on the clock but its arms are too weak to rob anybody of hope, steal anybody's prayers, destroy anybody's joy. So what if Time's got hands on a clock -- it's God who has His Hands on the universe. Every little thing is going to be okay because God is working good through every little thing. All that's happening is happening to make miracles. There are miracles always unfolding under the impossibles."

After reading this my mind goes directly to the miracle I want to happen most, but then I remember that God can do immeasurably more than I can imagine (Eph 3:20). As much as I want to control the miracles in my life (I don't love surprises, can you tell?), I'm realizing that His plan and His gifts are always better than I can imagine. I honestly don't want good enough, I want immeasurably more, even if it makes people uncomfortable. He's working out a miracle in my heart (right now!) under all the impossibles.

IN OTHER NEWS:
Our house is painfully close to move in ready! Jordan's been working super hard and very long hours to get us here. Still don't really have an ETA as he's started working a few other jobs around town, but I had to share a few pictures!

Be Still My Soul

Our book club just read The Story of the Trapp Family Singers by Maria Augusta Trapp and in it there is a section on traditions. Her description of Lent really captivated me as I've never heard it explained in such a way. "The people living in the country still celebrate Lent as it was understood by the many generations since the beginning of Christianity: by voluntary penance and mortification we should participate in the sufferings of Christ in order to be able to celebrate also the day of Resurrection together with Him. We should die to our old sinful self and rise as a new man." She also describes how one feels at the end of all the Lent traditions and events, "You would have to be unconscious, should your heart not feel as least some of the happiness of the victory of light over darkness--life over death. Whatever troubles and sorrows may overshadow your own path, they have become lighter today--thus you have been a witness to the ultimate victory; Chris is risen--also in your own life. 'Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia!' [...] The youngest and the oldest heart is filled on that day with that wonderful confidence; if He was victorious, we shall be so one day, too, because He said so." This just gets me fired up! I don't know about you, but I never feel this during Easter. It's more about eggs and family, which aren't bad things obviously, but I think I've been missing the point.

So I decided to participate in Lent this year and I gave up social media for 6 weeks. My hope was that I'd have lots of time to sit with Jesus. When I think of being still before Him I immediately go to my happy place of journaling, blogging, coffee, prayer, quiet mornings. I couldn't wait to be filled up! Unfortunately, as February 18th rolled around so did my busy social calendar. Now I don't have much to complain about because most of my busy wasn't work, but fun interactions with friends. However I was finding less and less time to sit for hours in the morning, yet I couldn't quite justify saying no to people, especially those who I hadn't seen in awhile.

Anyway all this got me thinking about life seasons and how there are times when it is truly impossible to literally sit quietly before Him. I began asking the Lord how one can sit quietly before Him amidst their busy. The answer came in 1 Thess 5:16-18. If we practice rejoicing always, praying without ceasing, and giving thanks in all circumstances, then doesn't that mean we are supposed to extend that into our day, not just during our devotion time? For example, there are many times throughout my day I just go through the motions, at work, with a friend, doing chores. When I started looking back through my days I realized that I hadn't acknowledged God at all, like I couldn't even see Him. I'd acknowledged His creation or had times when I talked about Him, but never once did I actually thank Him or pray or rejoice. Again what is that supposed to look like? I think there are many answers, but for me its practicing the art of acknowledging Him. In conversation this could look like praying silently that my words would be from Him, that I'd be seeing the person as God does and not as my flesh does. During chores this might mean giving thanks for my able body, for productivity. Maybe this is a time where I pray for others or give Him praise for the gorgeous day. Before you know it the day is over and because you've been talking to Him all day that quiet morning you missed doesn't feel so detrimental.

This is an art that I'll be practicing the rest of my days and yes I'll always be fighting for my quiet mornings because those are important too. To sum up, Lent was a lot harder than I thought and I learned a lot more about abundant life than planned. Easter Sunday we went hiking instead of doing eggs and being with family, which quite honestly was way better than anticipated. It wasn't the climax I had hoped for, but was more than I could've asked. Thank God for His grace and for His constant refining of me. I'd love to hear how you all find quiet moments with Him during the rush of life. The struggle is real, but we are in it together and because "He is victorious, so we shall be so one day! Alleluia!"

Sharing His Story

"We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, 'I love God,' and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother" (1 John 4:19-21). 

I just finished reading this book Speak Love by Annie Downs. It was refreshingly applicable and has thoroughly changed the way I view and participate in conversations. She has us go through how God speaks love to us, how we speak love to ourselves and how we are to speak love to others. It all really comes down to God's most primary and basic commandment "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no greater commandment than these" (Matthew 22:37-39, Mark 12:30-31, and Luke 10:27).

In Port Alsworth, I am a part of quite a few "small groups" and have been reading a lot during this winter season. Each of these studies and books, as of late, have encouraged me, the reader, to share the gospel and not just the words, but to share Him, which in turn is sharing a bit of myself. It never ceases to amaze me when all things point in the same direction. Anyway, I'm terrified. The lie is that I won't have all the answers, so the person will only leave confused. I'm not one to walk up to a stranger and share the gospel, but just because that isn't my forte doesn't mean I should avoid the opportunity when presented. Jesus is the only reason there is for living and for loving, so why am I so hesitant to share His story? Seems like I ought to be shouting it from the rooftops! For those of you like me, Jim Stump puts it this refreshing way in The Power of One-On-One, "sharing your faith is about so much more than explaining the gospel to someone. It's about living the gospel. Not just telling people about Jesus but becoming the Jesus they may never again meet. As believers, we are so much more than a spokesman for Jesus; we are ambassadors of the truth. We don't just share the gospel; we illustrate it with our lives. I learned that the most effective way to bring people into a meaningful relationship with Jesus is to first show them what a meaningful relationship looks like."

Most of us get to a place where we wonder about our purpose, about what this life is all about. God meets people in a million different ways, but for me it was on a mission trip Junior year to Guatemala. He met me on a rooftop under a starry night sky. The team was worshipping and as I was looking up at the sky that night I felt tiny....I felt insignificant....the lies came rushing, then Jesus. Ahhh, then Jesus. He covered me that night. He overwhelmed me with His love, so much so that the lies vanished and all I could see was Him. Before this point I had kept asking the Lord to show Himself to me. I wanted to know....I wanted to feel Him beside me....I wanted Him to be my choice and not just what everyone else wanted....I needed Him to be real to me. He was preparing me.

However, before this moment I had been prepared for His revealing. He placed key people in my life who constantly pointed me to Him. People who allowed me to question and who loved me through my doubts. Mentors who "spoke love" into my life and poured God's truth over me. I keep thinking about those people and I want to be that for someone. Telling a stranger about Christ and His good news is vital, but "showing people a meaningful relationship" and "becoming the Jesus they may never again meet" is just as important. Because the truth is life is messy and walking through this life with people while continually showing them His love along the way makes the promises He offers all the more real. How thrilling to be included in such a miraculous process!

Together lets share Him with others! Romans 10:14-17

Choose Joy

Jordan and I had a lovely break with his family in Oregon and are now back to real life. The lake is frozen, we have a dusting of snow and its been below freezing for weeks. This is a good thing! Frozen lake means other activities like skating, skiing, and new terrain to explore, snow covers all the barren Earth and below freezing temperatures freeze the mud making it way less messy to walk around.  We have also been house-sitting like crazy! My parents are undertaking another remodel project in the cabin, so its been great to be out of the mess for a bit. This time of year Alaskans travel...a lot, which is perfect for a couple of homeless folks. Our cabin is making slow progress, but we don't mind since its due to a blessing of a job, helping us pay for supplies.

All the waiting, all the house hopping, all the purpose searching and all the unknowns has got me thinking about choices. Thinking about all the choices one makes in a day is overwhelming. Take yesterday for example, there were the mundane choices: what to eat, what to wear, who to text, what to read. There were life altering choices (usually labeled as Decisions): winter jobs, choices regarding our current renters, summer expectations. There were attitude choices: I chose to be sad straight from the get-go. I even noticed and "prayed" that I wouldn't be, but let's be honest...I wasn't ready to let go (another choice, perhaps?). I also chose how I interacted with people: who to be real with, who to reach out to, who to text, who to call. Some of these choices still haven't been finalized and are being carried into today.

Okay, now I'm exhausted and I don't fully know where I'm going with all this except to say, "we all have a choice". I want to say that "I wish we all had a moment before each choice to weigh the pros and cons", but I had that moment yesterday and it wasn't as great as I thought; I still chose sadness. I didn't choose to believe my God offered Joy in that moment. I couldn't understand how to walk in both, so I chose what seemed easiest and I wish I didn't because it altered my day. I refused to see His gifts and all my other choices were affected. I chose dessert instead of fruit. I chose irritation at Jordan, instead of treasuring the moment. I chose to not enter into another's pain because I was blinded by my own. Its scary to think of opportunities missed because of our choices. I'm not saying don't ever be sad (Jesus wept!), but there IS a way to give Him our sadness and to choose Joy. I have the ability to choose seeing Him through my tears and surrendering what I can't understand. Choosing to see would've given Life to my day.

Oh Lord, how I pray for the strength to choose Your Joy and Peace over what I don't understand, over my emotions, and over the lies. Lord, "enlighten my heart to know the Hope to which I'm called (Gal 4:3-7), to know, in full, the riches of my inheritance in You (1 Peter 1:3-9), and to know the immeasurable greatness of Your power (Eph 3:14-20)" (Eph 1). For if I know this and walk in this daily, then how could I ever want to choose anything less?? I am so grateful that "Your Grace is sufficient for me and Your power is made perfect in my weakness" (2 Cor 12:9) because I can't do this alone.