The Perfect Job

Quick Update: We have had an incredibly busy Summer and Fall. My family was in Port Alsworth for the Summer, but have now all gone their separate ways. It was a cramped, but wonderful time! Jordan left for guiding in August, was VERY successful, and returned home at the end of September. I went on vacation to Oregon for part of his absence. I am so glad I did. It made time go quickly and I got to see a great many people that I haven't seen in far too long. Now we are both home again. He picked up a job remodeling the local school and I am working a couple different jobs (The General and Lake and Peninsula Airlines). His hours are lengthy and start early in the morning. He is gone too much for my liking, but the money is good and we need a leg up if we're to finish our cabin. My work has been full of variety, so is enjoyable for me. Oh and we are housesitting until January. Incredible, I know! It has been lovely.

Although I've loved my work at The General, I seem to constantly be mulling over the age old question of "what am I to do with my life?" Its been ingrained in me by our culture that the answer lies in a career. As children we're asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?", in High School its "what college?", in College its "what major?" , and after college its "have you gotten a job yet?" I don't think these questions are necessarily bad because they really challenge us to keep moving forward and continue to remind us that we truly can be anything we want to be with a lot of hard work and determination. But what about those of us who don't follow the well traveled path to a career? Those questions can start becoming daunting and, even more so, discouraging. 

I was certain my path would lead me into education and motherhood. So far neither has panned out (one by choice, the other by happenstance) and I'm left wondering what my purpose is to be if not those. My collection of odd jobs is not impressive and any future careers I could choose leave a bad taste in my mouth as in no thanks, not for me. Its not the idea of going back to school because lets face it I'm a nerd and I LOVE school, the smells, the grades, the papers, the reading, the organizational supplies and I'll stop now because I'm freaking some of you out. It's really the idea of a full-time, no flexibility, mundane job that would come out of a higher education. I like my life too much to have a job get in the way.....my dad laughs when I phrase it this way. 

What is one to do when they aren't the "status quo"? When they don't have a "title"? She's a vet, he's a teacher, he's an engineer, she's a mom. There is nothing attached to my name except maybe she's a Davis (my maiden name) or, better yet, Jordan's wife. When I see that I feel both beloved and I also feel a bit of an identity crisis. That identity crisis part does NOT belong! That is the lie. My friend Kathryn put it this way "No job is perfect. No job will satisfy the deep longing of the soul that craves meaning, that is found only in the Creator Himself [...] Really, it doesn't matter what any of us do, we must learn to take both good and the bad, and sift through them, choosing our attitude and response to all things." We are called to do everything as if doing it for The Lord because we receive our inheritance from Him (Col 3:23-24). 

Our purpose lies with our Creator. The answer to the age old question is this: I am to serve Him by loving those around me. If that means cleaning house, making people coffee, taking time to ask someone how they really are, taking out the trash, watching someone else's kids. I do not need a title to serve His bigger plan. The mundane is just as important as a career because even in the perfect job there is the mundane that has to be done. My greatest successes will be winning people over to Him through love. "For what is my hope or joy or crown of boasting before our Lord Jesus at His coming? Is it not you (those people I've loved and served)? For you are my glory and joy" (1 Thess 2:19-20). 

A Beautiful Mess

We are all searching for something, desperate for answers. Right when we grasp a little truth our foot slips and we become paralyzed with the fear of falling. After my last blog post my foot slipped and instead of fixing my eyes on the Truth I was focused on my fears. It is so incredible to me how easy I can fall back into this cycle. It gives me more patience for the Israelites and for the disciples.

My mind was churning with the never ending questions but one in particular stood out. If we are to expect trouble in this World and our deepest desire to know Him fully cannot be filled this side of Heaven then what's the point of trying?  Maybe I should just start expecting the worst out  of life [Lie alert!].  Well after a few horrible days of considering this option I watched "We Bought a Zoo." Silly I know but God can use all sorts of things to speak to His children. In this movie Matt Damon plays a widower with two children.  He ends up buying a zoo, fixing it up for the reopening and finds  his heart in the process.  There is this moment when he's sitting on the kitchen floor looking through photographs and he replays this memory of his family at the park. Possibly the last moment his wife is fully alive before getting sick unexpectedly. The laughter, the smiles, being together.  The perfect day.  From then on he starts seeing  through his pain and into the hearts of his children, his  coworkers and remembers what life is all about.  Moments.  Beauty captured.

Yes this life is painful and everywhere you look someone is suffering.  The part we cannot afford to forget is that He has already overcome the World! This is not all there is because Heaven will come to dry up our tears but until then we can look at the stars  to remember how big our God is. We can find beauty after a fire in the new life that springs up. We can taste His goodness in the rushing waters. We can see his gentleness in a delicate flower. We can witness His provision in the feeding of a sparrow. We can feel His heart beating when we sit with a hurting friend.  The beauty He has placed on this Earth are His gentle reminders to keep pursuing Him because He is worth it.  If I spend all my time expecting the worst then I'll miss out on all the beauty He's placed around me. So again....I choose Life. Dwelling on death was miserable. Don't try it.

Great is Thy Faithfulness

I have not posted in long time. God and I have been having long conversations on what to say...how much to divulge. I keep waiting to be inspired by good news or a fresh Word. However, He keeps asking me to be real; encouraging me to accept my identity in Him.

So here it goes....I have miscarried 3 times in past 5 years and we've been trying to conceive for the past 6. Even now the lies overwhelm me telling me of rejection; telling me my confession has the same weight as murder and who could accept such an unhealthy person. I am weak in the knees vulnerable as I admit to my "failure"...failure as a wife, a daughter, a woman. I have been told that "This is normal", "Your pump is being primed. All will be well with the next one." Hold on....keep waiting....hope against all hope so you don't drown.....why grieve now when all sorrow will be assuaged when that sweet babe is finally in your arms? That babe hasn't come, so now what?

Carrying pain around for 5 years becomes quite tiring, so I made a pact with God to deal with it once we moved to Port Alsworth. He held me to my word as I was practically isolated the first two months here as Jordan was guiding and my dad was beginning his new job. My days were mostly spent crying and asking God questions. I forced myself to look into the depths of my fear.....what if having a biological child on this Earth is not part of His plan for me? Could I survive? If that isn't His plan than what is my life purpose? Could I trust Him? Trust me when I tell you those 2 months were not fun by any means, but they were oh so healing.

I don't have answers to all my questions and probably never will but He began to show me His character and His love for me. He began revealing lies to me that were never part of His plan. I was really struck by Stephen's example. He was stoned by Paul, then Saul (of all people!). During his stoning Stephen declares, "Behold, I see the heavens opened up and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God" (Acts 7:56). It got me thinking about perspective. The Lord guaranteed we'd have trouble on this Earth, He never guaranteed comfort, happiness or fulfilled expectations (John 16:33). He's also guaranteed His love, His character. So if Stephen can praise God during His stoning and pray for his accusers, then surely I can learn to as well. It sounded much better to me than wallowing in my pain, wasting time waiting for an Earthly desire that may never come. So my prayers changed from asking the what ifs and whys to asking Him what His purpose is for my blip of a life. I'm only here for a moment and I don't want to spend it wishing for something that may never be mine to have in the first place. I want to spend it giving thanks for all He's given. First lie revealed was that my pain would stop once a child was in my arms. Saying it out loud makes it feel ridiculous that I could ever think that, but it was my lifeline. Truth: Our desires for things on this Earth are actually our attempts to fill the void placed within us at the Fall that can never be filled this side of Heaven. In "The Healing Path" Dan Allender describes surrender as "confessing that our deepest desire is not to succeed in business, to marry, to have kids, to be well, or simply happy; instead our deepest hunger is to SEE HIM." All else pales in comparison.

Second lie revealed was where I was placing my identity. A friend of the family approached me at church and little does she know she gave me my next breath. She said that having a child or not having one should never be my purpose. That is not my identity. Who I am is a child of God, covered by Grace, healed from within, promised eternity.  My purpose isn't to have a child, but to bring Him glory so that others might see Him. This began my redefining period where I asked the Lord to redefine motherhood for me since my definition seemed to be lacking. The Lord told me He already saw me as a mother, that my 3 wee ones were waiting for me. In His eyes my "desire" has already been fulfilled. He knows my pain is only temporary, that we will be reunited. When I look at myself through His eyes I find hope for another day because He sees and loves all of me. He does not see me as a failure or a murderer, but as His hurting child whose longings are bringing her closer to Himself.

Every day I have a choice on what to believe....the lies or the Truth. You have a choice too. Do you believe that He is good and that He is faithful? Do you believe He is who He says He is? He gently led me to the depths of my pain and I am healing. There is a long painful road ahead but if I surrender to His guidance "my soul can rest in His embrace for I am His and He is mine" (Oceans by Hillsong United). Lamentations 3:19-26 sums up this recent journey for me, "Remember my affliction and my wandering, the wormwood and bitterness. My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to my mind, therefore I have hope. The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in him.' The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."

Life After Mexico

At the end of January I was able to be with my sister during her last Homecoming. We had a weekend full of girlish pampering. She was voted Princess of the Sr class and I got to be her personal assistant for the weekend. Seems fitting, since she got to serve us older siblings most of her childhood ;) Ms. Amie Smithwick - stylist extraordinaire, drove all the way from Soldotna to blow our minds yet again with a fabulous updo. What a treat!

Princess Jodi

Stylist Team

Eric and Jodi <3>

So blessed by this lady all the time

This is what Costco shopping looks like when you have to shop for months at a time

My dad is the Head Coach for the Tanalian Lynx basketball team this year. Jordan helps out when he can and it's been so fun watching them work together.

Jordan was the Assistant Coach for the Lynx's only home game

Just another beautiful sunset as the lake was freezing over

 Jordan is working hard building The General and we are constantly praying for our summer/winter plans. There are so many unknowns, but He holds our future and we are trusting His guidance. Please join us in prayer for discernment in decisions, for His purposes to prevail in our life and for opportunities to selflessly love each other and our community.

January

As you can well imagine, Mexico was incredible. We had a great time just being together! It was the first time we've been able to hang out exclusively for an extended period of time since before Jordan and Danis joined the family. We had lots of adventures and lots of time reading by the pool or beach. My most favorite adventure was discovering "White Clam Beach". We were driving to a town North of Loreto and happened upon this little cove tucked around one of the road bends. We decided to forget the Northern town and followed this little dirt road to our "postcard" beach with white sand, shells galore, crystal clear shallow water. The girls laid out and the boys hit the water. Not too long after our arrival the boys started hollering...clams! We all raced to the water to see what all the fuss was because clams aren't usually anything to shout about especially to us Alaskans. What we found was a jackpot. They were everywhere. All you had to do was grab a handful of sand and voila you had 3 clams. In about 5 minutes we had WAY more than we could ever eat. We spent the rest of the day snorkeling, reading, sunbathing, playing frisbee, etc. Once home we had a clam bake and with lots of leftovers we made clam chowder the next day. It was quite the memorable experience. When Riley Smithwick joined us in Mexico we hoped to take him there, but cloudy days deterred our plans. Instead we toured a beautiful Mission and explored a dry river bed. Not the same, but still fun.

Anyway, now we are home and back to reality. The first week is always the hardest when your tan fades and sleep in days become a distant memory, but we survived and are now back into the routine. BethAnne came home with me, which helped with the transition. It was wonderful getting that extra time with her. Since we've been home the boys have worked extra hard on Jordan and I's room (we had to move out for the spray foam job and didn't want to move back in until the sheet-rock was up). Yesterday I was thrilled to move our things back into our room. There is still ALOT of work to do, but we have our own space again and that is delightful. It is amazing how the "normal" things in life become such a privilege after taking them for granted for so many years.....closets, dishwasher, a decent bed, shelves, rooms, etc. We still don't have all these and are getting them back slowly, but I've decided that its okay. The only way my organized brain and controlling heart have survived living in this beautiful mess for so long is because of my Jesus and He will carry me through until its over. A potentially miserable few months has become a blessing filled with great memories. I think I'll be a little sad when its all over....maybe.

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Merry CHRISTmas and a Happy New Year!!

2013 has caught us moving again! We felt the Lords tug for change throughout January and February. After our early (6th!!) anniversary celebration trip to Hawaii in March Jordan was offered a job in Port Alsworth, AK. His acceptance awhile later began a whirlwind of activity. Before August we had to get our house ready for renters and find renters and store our belongings and find a place to live in Port Alsworth and find a job for me in Port Alsworth and squeeze in a trip to Oregon and figure out what belongings we needed in Port Alsworth and train new hires at the dental office to take over for me and most importantly....find time to enjoy our first HOT summer in years.

We are now settled in Port Alsworth and thoroughly enjoying its beauty. Jordan is working as a laborer for Goodwin Enterprises building The General, Port Alsworth's first store and inn. There will also be a cafe, which I have been hired to help manage once opened. Until then I have been dispatching with Lake and Peninsula Airlines. Jordan has also begun his guiding career (a dream come true). This fall he worked for my Uncle Jeremy at Lake Country Lodge guiding clients on moose and bear hunting trips. He will most likely continue to do so each Spring and Fall as needed. Once The General is open Peter Goodwin of Goodwin Enterprises will continue his Alaska Ventures business guiding "eco-tours" (camping, hiking, float trips, bear viewing, scenic glacier tours and more) in the summer months with Jordan as his field guide.

We have been living in our family's summer cabin, which my Grandad built himself in the 70's. My dad and cousin Robbie also moved out to Port Alsworth recently, so we have had the privelege of being housemates. The cabin was not originally built for winters, so the boys have been working hard together to make the cabin warm for me and for my mom when she moves out this spring after Jodi graduates. Jordan and I bought land here and are hoping to begin building our own cabin next summer :)

The move out to Port Alsworth has not been easy on our pets. We had to make the heart breaking decision to only move Sampson, our lab, out here since Kiska, our mutt, and Willow, our kitty, wouldn't be happy or well received as outdoor animals (neither played well with others). Since we are living with others and not in our own home, we decided that outdoor pets are best until we get our own place built. Sampson did wonderful with the transition and enjoyed his "backyard" immensely. Since swimming was his favorite activity he was in heaven having a lake for his playground. We also loved having him around for hikes and walks around the community. He immediately became everyone's favorite. However, due to unfortunate events he has gone to be with Jesus. We are crushed, but are thankful that he was taken swiftly without suffering. Our lives will never be the same.

We don't have much planned for the future except a vacation to Mexico over Christmas with my family. After guiding next fall we hope to find Jordan a winter job, but we'll leave that in God's hands. We hope to be in Port Alsworth for a few years or more, but I've found it hard to plan very far in advance with the way the Lord's frequently been moving us place to place since we've tied the knot.

We wish you all God's peace and joy this holiday season. I've always found Christmas to be a season of reflection on all Christ's work throughout the year. It is quite humbling and makes me so grateful for his patience. God is good and always faithful.

Our new mailing address: PO Box 206 Port Alsworth, AK 99653

The Alaska Bush

     A friend asked me awhile ago to write a blog entry on the differences between living in "town" and living in the Alaska Bush. The first difference I suppose is that any place on the road system is considered "town" and every place else is the Alaska Bush. Not sure who came up with that term or why...maybe because we live in the woods with trails as roads, which would be the 2nd difference. A road here is not your typical paved avenue or highway, but is a roughly worn trail. Port Alsworth is unique in that its two main "highways" are runways, with trails in between for foot, 4-wheeler, and yes, automobile traffic. Nothing is over 2 miles away so biking or walking has been my transportation of choice. Over the last few years more and more residents having been barging in trucks, SUVs, and the like. There are no roads to the villages on Lake Clark, so in order to get anything here is must be barged or flown. The barge only runs during the summer because the lake freezes over making it impassible.
     My grocery "runs" have actually been quite uneventful so far. My dad flies to town most weekends to see my mother in Anchorage and she loads him up with my groceries. Waiting a week in-between grocery shopping isn't much different from living in town except that when you start cookies you better make sure you or your neighbor have all the ingredients! Neighbors are great. I never really got into the whole neighborly thing in any of my other residences, not sure if  its because we were never in one place long enough or if it is just my personality, but here the whole community are your neighbors. I hear the winter is full of great community activities, game nights, ice skating, festivals at the school, etc. I have only been here to visit during the winter a couple of times when I was very young. I don't remember much except that every time I went outside I'd have to wear my snow clothes or else I'd freeze sitting on the 4-wheeler going to church or wherever. I'm sure I'll be learning a lot of the town vs bush differences in the months to come. Fall brought enough of its own.
     The bears travel through our village on their way to winter hibernation in their caves, so I had to walk around with either pepper spray or a handgun in case I happened to run into one. My dad found one in our driveway in the dark on his way to work one morning and flipped a quick U-turn back to our cabin to sound the alarm. There was quite the clamor among the boys living here :)
     Mostly I find living here to be quite peaceful. I have so many great memories here from our time spent here during the summer months that it already feels like home. "Town" is great; I definitely miss the ease of shopping and coffee drive-thrus ;), but here there is a sense of refreshment that "town" never gave to me. This has always been my "happy" place and moving here I was afraid that would change. So far, its only become better. I love waking up to the mountains singing His glory day after day and being awed as the Lake changes daily. Camping trips and days spent in our cabin are the highlight of my childhood, now its become my life, my home. Blessed does not even come close to describing how I feel about this place. It is a slice of Heaven on Earth,  a breath of fresh air amidst our fallen world. I pray daily that I do not become immune to its beauty or take advantage of its unique landscape.

BTW, Jordan is home! He had a great time and can't wait for next season. Thank you all for your prayers. I hope you'll get to enjoy his stories one day, but for now I have to tell this one...His first client in Canoe Bay was a cop from Texas and was after a big one (aren't they all??). After 10 days of 50mph winds and non-stop rain the weather broke and they saw one to their liking and went after it....long story short it wasn't a great shot and the bear ran off into an Alder patch never to be seen again. Jeremy flew in 2 guys from base camp to help look, no luck. Unfortunately for the client once he draws blood his hunt is over. The winds picked back up, so the pilots couldn't pick up the 4 people in Jordan's camp or even fly over and drop off extra supplies. Their food supply started running low and right before anyone got too worried they found 9 crab pots washed up on the beach filled to the brim with live crab! They feasted like kings for 2 days, then the day the crab was gone and they each had a top ramen pack left the weather broke again! They got back to base camp on day 16. "I wonder how many of our disappointments have been answers to other people's prayers.  I'm sure somebody else was upset over losing those.  Interesting thought." (Rebecca Herd). I am sure glad someone's lost crab pots became Jordan's manna from the sea. What an incredible story and testament to His character. He is good, He will provide, He will get the glory, and He can do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine (Eph 3:20-21).