Motherhood

I don't know whether it's because I'm in the thick of it or if it's really true, but it seems that there is a movement going on in our world, a movement of awareness for "untraditional" mothers. I have no hard research to back me up, but I do know there are a lot of women choosing vulnerability through social media on this topic. I have been moved to the core with what the Lord is doing through unborn children, through adoption, foster care, and other such situations. God sure uses all kinds of avenues to remove the stones from my heart.

For at least two years now I have been wrestling with the idea of motherhood. It's what most girls dream of and what a lot of women are (whether they want to be or not). Since my motherhood dream wasn't coming about how I anticipated, I began to wonder where this longing was coming from: was it a cultural expectation or had the Lord actually placed this longing within me. A part of me desires children because that's what's expected of me as a woman, especially because without having babies for this long people become uncomfortable. I've gotten the question (in jest, but still it was painful) "you do know how it works don't you?" I want the awkwardness to stop, so naturally I feel the need to provide what's lacking. However, I also long to fulfill the desire that God has placed in all women. We were created to be fruitful and multiply (Gen 1:28), so females are wired around that calling. Even our curse after the Fall is directly related to how He's made us (Gen 3:16). Although I believe that the Lord does so with other women, I don't feel He's ever impressed upon me, specifically, that I would be a mother to my own biological or adopted child.

I have been upset for a long time, believing the lie that He was withholding what was mine because I wasn't good enough yet. However, once I began asking the questions and looking at my situation objectively I remember that there is no guarantee. Just because it's what I expected, doesn't ever mean that's how it'll turn out.

So what does Motherhood mean for me? It's a part of my design as a female, but how can I utilize these gifts while I hope for the seemingly impossible? The Lord answered me through Paul in 1 Thessalonians 2:7-8, "But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us." If he can give Paul (a man!) a mother's love then can't he also give as much to me? I can experience that love I so long for through Him! While this doesn't take away the awkwardness or the ache, it does shed light on how I can use the gifts he's given me as an individual and as a sister in Christ. I don't have to keep waiting! He is alive and working the good out in me, giving me purpose and hope in the everyday.

I really love Ann Voskamp's words this morning, "Time can't dictate dreams or hijack hope or determine destination. Time may have hands on the clock but its arms are too weak to rob anybody of hope, steal anybody's prayers, destroy anybody's joy. So what if Time's got hands on a clock -- it's God who has His Hands on the universe. Every little thing is going to be okay because God is working good through every little thing. All that's happening is happening to make miracles. There are miracles always unfolding under the impossibles."

After reading this my mind goes directly to the miracle I want to happen most, but then I remember that God can do immeasurably more than I can imagine (Eph 3:20). As much as I want to control the miracles in my life (I don't love surprises, can you tell?), I'm realizing that His plan and His gifts are always better than I can imagine. I honestly don't want good enough, I want immeasurably more, even if it makes people uncomfortable. He's working out a miracle in my heart (right now!) under all the impossibles.

IN OTHER NEWS:
Our house is painfully close to move in ready! Jordan's been working super hard and very long hours to get us here. Still don't really have an ETA as he's started working a few other jobs around town, but I had to share a few pictures!

Be Still My Soul

Our book club just read The Story of the Trapp Family Singers by Maria Augusta Trapp and in it there is a section on traditions. Her description of Lent really captivated me as I've never heard it explained in such a way. "The people living in the country still celebrate Lent as it was understood by the many generations since the beginning of Christianity: by voluntary penance and mortification we should participate in the sufferings of Christ in order to be able to celebrate also the day of Resurrection together with Him. We should die to our old sinful self and rise as a new man." She also describes how one feels at the end of all the Lent traditions and events, "You would have to be unconscious, should your heart not feel as least some of the happiness of the victory of light over darkness--life over death. Whatever troubles and sorrows may overshadow your own path, they have become lighter today--thus you have been a witness to the ultimate victory; Chris is risen--also in your own life. 'Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia!' [...] The youngest and the oldest heart is filled on that day with that wonderful confidence; if He was victorious, we shall be so one day, too, because He said so." This just gets me fired up! I don't know about you, but I never feel this during Easter. It's more about eggs and family, which aren't bad things obviously, but I think I've been missing the point.

So I decided to participate in Lent this year and I gave up social media for 6 weeks. My hope was that I'd have lots of time to sit with Jesus. When I think of being still before Him I immediately go to my happy place of journaling, blogging, coffee, prayer, quiet mornings. I couldn't wait to be filled up! Unfortunately, as February 18th rolled around so did my busy social calendar. Now I don't have much to complain about because most of my busy wasn't work, but fun interactions with friends. However I was finding less and less time to sit for hours in the morning, yet I couldn't quite justify saying no to people, especially those who I hadn't seen in awhile.

Anyway all this got me thinking about life seasons and how there are times when it is truly impossible to literally sit quietly before Him. I began asking the Lord how one can sit quietly before Him amidst their busy. The answer came in 1 Thess 5:16-18. If we practice rejoicing always, praying without ceasing, and giving thanks in all circumstances, then doesn't that mean we are supposed to extend that into our day, not just during our devotion time? For example, there are many times throughout my day I just go through the motions, at work, with a friend, doing chores. When I started looking back through my days I realized that I hadn't acknowledged God at all, like I couldn't even see Him. I'd acknowledged His creation or had times when I talked about Him, but never once did I actually thank Him or pray or rejoice. Again what is that supposed to look like? I think there are many answers, but for me its practicing the art of acknowledging Him. In conversation this could look like praying silently that my words would be from Him, that I'd be seeing the person as God does and not as my flesh does. During chores this might mean giving thanks for my able body, for productivity. Maybe this is a time where I pray for others or give Him praise for the gorgeous day. Before you know it the day is over and because you've been talking to Him all day that quiet morning you missed doesn't feel so detrimental.

This is an art that I'll be practicing the rest of my days and yes I'll always be fighting for my quiet mornings because those are important too. To sum up, Lent was a lot harder than I thought and I learned a lot more about abundant life than planned. Easter Sunday we went hiking instead of doing eggs and being with family, which quite honestly was way better than anticipated. It wasn't the climax I had hoped for, but was more than I could've asked. Thank God for His grace and for His constant refining of me. I'd love to hear how you all find quiet moments with Him during the rush of life. The struggle is real, but we are in it together and because "He is victorious, so we shall be so one day! Alleluia!"

Sharing His Story

"We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, 'I love God,' and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother" (1 John 4:19-21). 

I just finished reading this book Speak Love by Annie Downs. It was refreshingly applicable and has thoroughly changed the way I view and participate in conversations. She has us go through how God speaks love to us, how we speak love to ourselves and how we are to speak love to others. It all really comes down to God's most primary and basic commandment "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no greater commandment than these" (Matthew 22:37-39, Mark 12:30-31, and Luke 10:27).

In Port Alsworth, I am a part of quite a few "small groups" and have been reading a lot during this winter season. Each of these studies and books, as of late, have encouraged me, the reader, to share the gospel and not just the words, but to share Him, which in turn is sharing a bit of myself. It never ceases to amaze me when all things point in the same direction. Anyway, I'm terrified. The lie is that I won't have all the answers, so the person will only leave confused. I'm not one to walk up to a stranger and share the gospel, but just because that isn't my forte doesn't mean I should avoid the opportunity when presented. Jesus is the only reason there is for living and for loving, so why am I so hesitant to share His story? Seems like I ought to be shouting it from the rooftops! For those of you like me, Jim Stump puts it this refreshing way in The Power of One-On-One, "sharing your faith is about so much more than explaining the gospel to someone. It's about living the gospel. Not just telling people about Jesus but becoming the Jesus they may never again meet. As believers, we are so much more than a spokesman for Jesus; we are ambassadors of the truth. We don't just share the gospel; we illustrate it with our lives. I learned that the most effective way to bring people into a meaningful relationship with Jesus is to first show them what a meaningful relationship looks like."

Most of us get to a place where we wonder about our purpose, about what this life is all about. God meets people in a million different ways, but for me it was on a mission trip Junior year to Guatemala. He met me on a rooftop under a starry night sky. The team was worshipping and as I was looking up at the sky that night I felt tiny....I felt insignificant....the lies came rushing, then Jesus. Ahhh, then Jesus. He covered me that night. He overwhelmed me with His love, so much so that the lies vanished and all I could see was Him. Before this point I had kept asking the Lord to show Himself to me. I wanted to know....I wanted to feel Him beside me....I wanted Him to be my choice and not just what everyone else wanted....I needed Him to be real to me. He was preparing me.

However, before this moment I had been prepared for His revealing. He placed key people in my life who constantly pointed me to Him. People who allowed me to question and who loved me through my doubts. Mentors who "spoke love" into my life and poured God's truth over me. I keep thinking about those people and I want to be that for someone. Telling a stranger about Christ and His good news is vital, but "showing people a meaningful relationship" and "becoming the Jesus they may never again meet" is just as important. Because the truth is life is messy and walking through this life with people while continually showing them His love along the way makes the promises He offers all the more real. How thrilling to be included in such a miraculous process!

Together lets share Him with others! Romans 10:14-17

Choose Joy

Jordan and I had a lovely break with his family in Oregon and are now back to real life. The lake is frozen, we have a dusting of snow and its been below freezing for weeks. This is a good thing! Frozen lake means other activities like skating, skiing, and new terrain to explore, snow covers all the barren Earth and below freezing temperatures freeze the mud making it way less messy to walk around.  We have also been house-sitting like crazy! My parents are undertaking another remodel project in the cabin, so its been great to be out of the mess for a bit. This time of year Alaskans travel...a lot, which is perfect for a couple of homeless folks. Our cabin is making slow progress, but we don't mind since its due to a blessing of a job, helping us pay for supplies.

All the waiting, all the house hopping, all the purpose searching and all the unknowns has got me thinking about choices. Thinking about all the choices one makes in a day is overwhelming. Take yesterday for example, there were the mundane choices: what to eat, what to wear, who to text, what to read. There were life altering choices (usually labeled as Decisions): winter jobs, choices regarding our current renters, summer expectations. There were attitude choices: I chose to be sad straight from the get-go. I even noticed and "prayed" that I wouldn't be, but let's be honest...I wasn't ready to let go (another choice, perhaps?). I also chose how I interacted with people: who to be real with, who to reach out to, who to text, who to call. Some of these choices still haven't been finalized and are being carried into today.

Okay, now I'm exhausted and I don't fully know where I'm going with all this except to say, "we all have a choice". I want to say that "I wish we all had a moment before each choice to weigh the pros and cons", but I had that moment yesterday and it wasn't as great as I thought; I still chose sadness. I didn't choose to believe my God offered Joy in that moment. I couldn't understand how to walk in both, so I chose what seemed easiest and I wish I didn't because it altered my day. I refused to see His gifts and all my other choices were affected. I chose dessert instead of fruit. I chose irritation at Jordan, instead of treasuring the moment. I chose to not enter into another's pain because I was blinded by my own. Its scary to think of opportunities missed because of our choices. I'm not saying don't ever be sad (Jesus wept!), but there IS a way to give Him our sadness and to choose Joy. I have the ability to choose seeing Him through my tears and surrendering what I can't understand. Choosing to see would've given Life to my day.

Oh Lord, how I pray for the strength to choose Your Joy and Peace over what I don't understand, over my emotions, and over the lies. Lord, "enlighten my heart to know the Hope to which I'm called (Gal 4:3-7), to know, in full, the riches of my inheritance in You (1 Peter 1:3-9), and to know the immeasurable greatness of Your power (Eph 3:14-20)" (Eph 1). For if I know this and walk in this daily, then how could I ever want to choose anything less?? I am so grateful that "Your Grace is sufficient for me and Your power is made perfect in my weakness" (2 Cor 12:9) because I can't do this alone.

It's That Time of Year

 

Snowflakes, hot cider, reading by the fire, chill in the air, presents, friendship, slow days, letters from afar....these are a few of our favorite things and, since they're all happening now, we love this time of year. The weather outside isn't quite as "frightful" as we'd like, but it's been great for getting things done on our cabin. Concrete was poured in June and now Jordan's begun insulating. Progress is slow as we don't have much time these days, but we are thrilled with what's been done and can't wait to move in! ETA is still to be determined.

Jordan started off the year helping construct The General, which opened June 7! He guided spring and fall big game hunts with Lake Country Lodge and Canoe Bay Outfitters. He has been very successful and is loving every minute. This summer he guided a few trips for Alaskan Ventures with The General and began building our cabin. Now he's working for SKW and they are remodeling the Tanalian School here in Port Alsworth. He plans to continue guiding in 2015 and finish our cabin! We've loved the variety in work, but it makes it difficult to know how the essentials will be provided in each season. It has challenged us both to be more trusting in our Lord because He knows and for that we are grateful.

I worked for Lake and Peninsula Airlines until May, then began helping prepare The General's cafe for its grand opening. My siblings moved to Port Alsworth for the summer, which meant they got to work with us at The General. Caleb helped guide trips and the sisters worked the counter making coffee and serving food. It was hectic at times and slow at times, with a huge learning curve as no one quite knew what to expect, but overall we had a blast! Things have slowed down quite a bit, so I've started working at Lake and Pen again. I am so grateful at how flexible everyone has been with our crazy schedule. We will forever be grateful to our community here.  Speaking of community, my fewer working hours have resulted in more time for socializing, which apparently is my specialty. It has been wonderful making new friends and being creative with our times together. Just this past week we had a wreath making party!

The most difficult part of this past year has been the frequency of times absent from each other. This seems to be a normal problem for some people, but it's a first for us. It's hard to be a part of one another's lives when we so often are headed in different directions. So, we've been learning to appreciate every moment and to be intentional with our time. Much easier said than done, but we are learning that there isn't really ever a normal, there are just seasons. If we don't change with the season then we'll be stuck wishing for what could be, than being present in the life we've been given. We'd miss all the good that this season has to offer.

We love getting your Christmas Cards, but are anxious for the day we get to see you face to face. Thank you for loving us and supporting our ventures. There is no gift better than knowing we are beloved by our Lord and surrounded by friends.

                             Isaiah 61

The Perfect Job

Quick Update: We have had an incredibly busy Summer and Fall. My family was in Port Alsworth for the Summer, but have now all gone their separate ways. It was a cramped, but wonderful time! Jordan left for guiding in August, was VERY successful, and returned home at the end of September. I went on vacation to Oregon for part of his absence. I am so glad I did. It made time go quickly and I got to see a great many people that I haven't seen in far too long. Now we are both home again. He picked up a job remodeling the local school and I am working a couple different jobs (The General and Lake and Peninsula Airlines). His hours are lengthy and start early in the morning. He is gone too much for my liking, but the money is good and we need a leg up if we're to finish our cabin. My work has been full of variety, so is enjoyable for me. Oh and we are housesitting until January. Incredible, I know! It has been lovely.

Although I've loved my work at The General, I seem to constantly be mulling over the age old question of "what am I to do with my life?" Its been ingrained in me by our culture that the answer lies in a career. As children we're asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?", in High School its "what college?", in College its "what major?" , and after college its "have you gotten a job yet?" I don't think these questions are necessarily bad because they really challenge us to keep moving forward and continue to remind us that we truly can be anything we want to be with a lot of hard work and determination. But what about those of us who don't follow the well traveled path to a career? Those questions can start becoming daunting and, even more so, discouraging. 

I was certain my path would lead me into education and motherhood. So far neither has panned out (one by choice, the other by happenstance) and I'm left wondering what my purpose is to be if not those. My collection of odd jobs is not impressive and any future careers I could choose leave a bad taste in my mouth as in no thanks, not for me. Its not the idea of going back to school because lets face it I'm a nerd and I LOVE school, the smells, the grades, the papers, the reading, the organizational supplies and I'll stop now because I'm freaking some of you out. It's really the idea of a full-time, no flexibility, mundane job that would come out of a higher education. I like my life too much to have a job get in the way.....my dad laughs when I phrase it this way. 

What is one to do when they aren't the "status quo"? When they don't have a "title"? She's a vet, he's a teacher, he's an engineer, she's a mom. There is nothing attached to my name except maybe she's a Davis (my maiden name) or, better yet, Jordan's wife. When I see that I feel both beloved and I also feel a bit of an identity crisis. That identity crisis part does NOT belong! That is the lie. My friend Kathryn put it this way "No job is perfect. No job will satisfy the deep longing of the soul that craves meaning, that is found only in the Creator Himself [...] Really, it doesn't matter what any of us do, we must learn to take both good and the bad, and sift through them, choosing our attitude and response to all things." We are called to do everything as if doing it for The Lord because we receive our inheritance from Him (Col 3:23-24). 

Our purpose lies with our Creator. The answer to the age old question is this: I am to serve Him by loving those around me. If that means cleaning house, making people coffee, taking time to ask someone how they really are, taking out the trash, watching someone else's kids. I do not need a title to serve His bigger plan. The mundane is just as important as a career because even in the perfect job there is the mundane that has to be done. My greatest successes will be winning people over to Him through love. "For what is my hope or joy or crown of boasting before our Lord Jesus at His coming? Is it not you (those people I've loved and served)? For you are my glory and joy" (1 Thess 2:19-20). 

A Beautiful Mess

We are all searching for something, desperate for answers. Right when we grasp a little truth our foot slips and we become paralyzed with the fear of falling. After my last blog post my foot slipped and instead of fixing my eyes on the Truth I was focused on my fears. It is so incredible to me how easy I can fall back into this cycle. It gives me more patience for the Israelites and for the disciples.

My mind was churning with the never ending questions but one in particular stood out. If we are to expect trouble in this World and our deepest desire to know Him fully cannot be filled this side of Heaven then what's the point of trying?  Maybe I should just start expecting the worst out  of life [Lie alert!].  Well after a few horrible days of considering this option I watched "We Bought a Zoo." Silly I know but God can use all sorts of things to speak to His children. In this movie Matt Damon plays a widower with two children.  He ends up buying a zoo, fixing it up for the reopening and finds  his heart in the process.  There is this moment when he's sitting on the kitchen floor looking through photographs and he replays this memory of his family at the park. Possibly the last moment his wife is fully alive before getting sick unexpectedly. The laughter, the smiles, being together.  The perfect day.  From then on he starts seeing  through his pain and into the hearts of his children, his  coworkers and remembers what life is all about.  Moments.  Beauty captured.

Yes this life is painful and everywhere you look someone is suffering.  The part we cannot afford to forget is that He has already overcome the World! This is not all there is because Heaven will come to dry up our tears but until then we can look at the stars  to remember how big our God is. We can find beauty after a fire in the new life that springs up. We can taste His goodness in the rushing waters. We can see his gentleness in a delicate flower. We can witness His provision in the feeding of a sparrow. We can feel His heart beating when we sit with a hurting friend.  The beauty He has placed on this Earth are His gentle reminders to keep pursuing Him because He is worth it.  If I spend all my time expecting the worst then I'll miss out on all the beauty He's placed around me. So again....I choose Life. Dwelling on death was miserable. Don't try it.