Begin Again

“Difficult roads often lead to the most beautiful destinations (Author Unknown)" and I think the same can be said for life. My dad has often encouraged me to “find joy in the journey”, which often resulted in the rolling of my eyes or a sigh of frustration because sometimes that’s the last thing I want to hear. However, somewhere along the way it’s become my life’s mantra. 

These days my life is a revolving door of poopy diapers, dirty dishes, and laundry. I constantly battle getting sucked into the dreary mundaneness of it all. It tries to take over all the time. These precious moments with my littles could be robbed from my memory because I’m not stopping to enjoy, to find the joy, to soak in their smiley, giggly, pudgy handed selves. Instead the days start to blur together as sleep deprivation sets in, dishes are piled higher and coffee’s microwaved for the third time. 

My journey has taken many unexpected twists and turns, not unlike a road, but has brought me through many seasons that have helped shape me and prepare me for this beautiful one. I will never forget what I’ve been through, nor will I forget the lessons learned. One such lesson is that in any situation there is always something to be thankful for or to be joyful in, you only have to be willing to look. 

Hayden is now 7 weeks old and with his birth came another season, let’s name it Grace, because the feelings of inadequacy are real and the letting go is hard. I can’t be everything for all three boys (yes that includes the hubs), all the time. I have to say no when my toddler wants me to hold him on our walk because I only have two arms, but he’s growing fast and won't ask much longer so my heart breaks because I can't always say yes. I knew this was coming but now, living it, I’m feeling all the growing pains that come with and know that I can still be thankful. I’m thankful that he’s learning patience and sharing, that he still loves his momma and that he has two strong healthy legs that can carry him. 

There is a lot of joy to be had in this season and I don’t want to miss it! I am finding joy in my journey, even on the hard days. I am leaning ever harder on God’s Amazing Grace because He is carrying me, even as I carry these boys. He lifts my teary eyes to see the joy that is my life and to not fret over what I can’t do because He can. I want to intentionally live in His Grace and feel all the feelings. We are learning and we are growing and there IS enough love to go around. If I could be supermom and everything else then how would Cole and Hayden know their need of a Savior?

This is only the beginning. 

All Things New

"'And He took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them...' (Luke 22:19 NIV) [...]
In the original language, 'He gave thanks' reads 'eucharisteo.' The root word of eucharisteo is charis, meaning 'grace.' Jesus took the bread and saw it as grace and gave thanks.
He took the bread and knew it to be gift and gave thanks.
But there is more, and I read it. Eucharisteo, thanksgiving, envelopes the Greek word for grace, charis.
But is also holds its derivative, the reek word chara, meaning 'joy.'[...]
Was this the clue to the quest of all most important?
Deep chara joy is found only at the table of the euCHARisteo - the table of thanksgiving.
I sit there long...wondering...is it that simple? [...] The joy wonder could be here!
Here, in the mess, piercing ache of now, joy might be - unbelievably - possible!
The only place we need see before we die is this place of seeing God, Here and now [...]
Grace, thanksgiving, joy. Eucharisteo."
Voskamp, Ann. One Thousand Gifts, 31-33.

I was on my couch one summer morning beginning a book recommended to me, not unusual. What was unusual, however, was the book itself...inside the cover lay hidden treasures that transformed my life. This book opened my eyes to the long known truth that God is good.

I don't know how I came to be in that place for so long, but I was. You know those days that you just want to be angry or sad or blind to the pain and no matter how often you justify being there you know its wrong. Well that's where I was and I was stubborn, I didn't want to listen to that still small voice. I felt betrayed by Him and by all I grew up knowing...believing. I wasn't sure I was ready to trust again, yet I knew everything would be better if I did. I told myself I'd let it go and let God, but something inside me kept screaming and although I believed I really had "let God," deep down I knew I hadn't. This is where I was when One Thousand Gifts came to me. I had pushed all that emotion so deep inside me that I almost believed I had conquered it, that I was back! But we all know how long that lasts once we let His light shine in our darkest places. Little did I know that this book was the start of all things new. That being real with God was okay and meant healing.

It started with thanks. I didn't start a list, nor did I tell anyone. I just began...slowly... from the beginning. I let God show me the way. Nothing special, just the little things. Rainbows, cold sheets, sunrises, hot coffee on sleepy mornings, sweat-drenched runs that leave you feeling as if you've conquered something, nature, etc. Everytime I seeped back into an angry, painful, apathetic day where I felt small and insignificant God would plant a thought...a thankful thought and let it grow. On days when I couldn't see straight from all the lies Satan was feeding me, I listened to Him through the faces around me who I knew loved and cared for me. I heard Him! I saw Him! I felt Him in the here and now! Ann says it best "His nail-scarred hands cupped my face close, wiped away the tears running down, had eyes to look deep into my brimming ache, and whispered, 'I know. I know.' (87)

The emptiness inside me will always be there, but what has begun to fill the void has turned the sharp pain into a dull ache. I will never be the same...Thank God! I have been in the darkness and do not ever want to go back, but I know I will. That's our nature. The beauty is I know now. I know the key. I know how to fight my way into His light again. I know how to breathe again. For today I have relinquished control (well more like my illusion of control)...I have let God be God. I choose Joy!

This journey has taken me to a new awareness of how unworthy I am to be in His presence, to be so inexpressibly blessed, yet here I am falling in love with my Jesus all over again and soaking in His daily gifts. Thanksgiving has new meaning for me. Looking back to where I've been and to that scary future ahead I am convinced that He is a better Author of my life than I could ever be, that no matter what the circumstance I can choose JOY, that life is a gift and we are meant to celebrate Him, that I don't have to understand, that He loves unconditionally, that He. Is. Good. "Oh the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and how inscrutable his ways! 'For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been His counselor?' 'Or who has given a gift to Him that He might be repaid?' For from Him and through Him are all things. To Him be glory forever. Amen" (Romans 11:33-36).

So here's to my God, my wonderful Savior who is changing me from the inside out, transforming me into the woman He wants me to be and I am glad. I do not deserve Him, none of us do. Life will always be hard, but without Him it is impossible. Thank you God for understanding me and for giving me life. I pray I live in celebration of You so that others may see and that I will be prepared for the ugly days to come. I have entered a new chapter in my spiritual life book, God has "changed my want to" (Moore, Beth. Breaking Free), my passion, my desire. "I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that He gave life to someone who loves the gift, who will use it up and wring it out and drag it around like a favorite sweater" (Niequist, Shauna. Cold Tangerines, 235.) Praise God for healing, for laughter, for pain, for love, for tears, for the unexpected. Thank you Jesus. Eucharisteo.

"Praise and glory and wisdom and thanks and honor and power and strength be to our God for ever and ever. Amen!" Revelation 7:12