Real

Seasons inevitably change, chapters always come to an end, life unavoidably moves forward. Here we are, parents of a 6 month old, and I am overwhelmed. We sat Cole in his high chair for the very first time the other day, held hands, and prayed over our meal. I bawled. God is good whether he gives or takes away. 

I wish I could tell you that I’ve come to a place of never doubting, always trusting. A dear friend jokingly remarked that I’d be a fool to never trust God again because of Cole, our “mira-cole”. I wish life were that simple and that I could agree, but we all know that life is HARD and there are no guarantees. Ultimately I do trust Him, but it’s in the difficult, sometimes blinding, moments that I can so easily forget. I am so grateful to God for the journey He’s brought me through because it’s taught me the language of lament; it’s taught me the importance of honesty and being okay with not being okay; it’s taught me a lesson in finding joy, then choosing joy when I’d rather not because throwing a fit feels like a more valid option. 

Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost my voice because admitting that motherhood has been challenging has felt like I’m saying I’m ungrateful, which is NOT TRUE. Fortunately, the Lord knows my heart and I truly am so unbelievably grateful even when I’m having a “woe is me” kind of day. I’ve heard a lot of stories and struggles that other mothers, my friends, have gone through. I thought I’d been amply prepared for the kinds of things one might go through emotionally when they become a parent, but there is nothing like experiencing them all for yourself. What does one do with the emotional upheaval that having a child does to the heart especially when you’re supposed to be all fine and dandy because God gifted you the child you always wanted??

I’d been forgetting the language of lament, “an expression of honest emotions to God when life is not going as planned. Whether we’re hurt, frustrated, confused, betrayed, overwhelmed, sad, or disappointed, lament is the language God has given us to talk to Him right in the middle of life’s messes” (Esther Fleece, No More Faking Fine). “Feelings are meant to be felt and then taken to God” (Ann Voskamp, The Broken Way). I’ve always loved Lamentations 3:19-25 because the author remembers his affliction, then gives it to the Lord by claiming new mercies every morning and believing the faithfulness of our God. Having Cole has not taken away the ache of my past, nor the disappointments of today, and will not prevent the pain of tomorrow. Like the author I remember my afflictions and my wanderings by voicing them to the Lord because they are a part of me and a part of this fallen world, but in His lovingkindness He is producing hope through suffering (Romans 5:3-5). “Hope focuses not on circumstances but on Christ’s coming and the redemption of our character” (Dan Allender, The Healing Path). 

I have been able to stay at home with Cole this winter and am especially grateful to Jordan who has had to work extra hard for this to be possible. Most days I live in peace and contentment, marveling that a little boy’s smile can melt the heart and chase clouds away! But then there are weeks like this last week when its a fight to stay positive, the feeling of loneliness creeps in and the blur of the monotonous makes my head spin. Graciously He takes my emotions and covers them with His love and patience. My God sees me and meets me, then gives me Hope. 

Great are you Lord

"Delight yourself in the Lord 

and He will give you the desires of your heart." 

Psalm 37:4

"Ask and it will be given to you; 

seek and you will find; 

knock, and it will be opened to you. 

For everyone who asks receives, 

and the one who seeks finds, 

and to the one who knocks it will be opened." 

Matthew 7:7-8

Since the beginning of our infertility journey I have struggled immensely with these verses and others like them. I felt like I was asking, I was knocking, I was delighting and still nothing was happening. I would hear other "miracle" stories and as I was smiling my congratulations, my heart was crying out, "Why them and not me?", "I'm asking too aren't I?", "Am I not doing it right?" The stories of others meant to give me hope only left me discouraged and confused. I began to resent them and the people in them. 

All the doctors kept saying you're healthy, this is normal, we don't worry about it until after your third ("Three!! Are you kidding me?? I don't want to do this three more times before you care" were my thoughts after my first). I kept waiting, I kept asking, but time and again babies were lost and my heart was bleeding. Finally after my third I was at wits end, I was tired, I was confused, I didn't know how to move forward, I started realizing I was stuck in the wanting and what I was hoping for may never come. In my journal, on February 8, 2014, I wrote, "My desire to be a mom has been all consuming for too long. I have grieved - am grieving- but its time to move forward. I don't want the next 10+ years to be wasted in waiting when I could be making a difference. I have been paralyzed for far too long. I'm ready to share my journey." We had moved to Port Alsworth that fall and this was the start of my healing. I had to be ready to face my fear, in that we may never have biological children. I also had to be ready to let go of my pain, seems an odd thing to say but I was afraid that, "if I let go no one would pray, no one would remember my littles in heaven. My pain connected me to them." (paraphrased from same journal entry). Jesus whispered...."I will."

My prayers changed from "God bless us with a child", to "God I want more of You." I started listening and He began to heal my heart. I heard that "what gives Him pleasure is us drawing nearer to Himself. His will is to constantly transform our minds towards relationship with Him. A lot of times its through the tragedies of life or unanswered prayers that our hearts can become more like His when we choose to abide. Our minds are renewed throughout struggle" (paraphrased from journal entry April 4, 2014). Romans 12:2 tells us "not to be conformed to this world, but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds, that by testing we may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." It was difficult for my world-trained brain to accept the possibility that God was drawing me near through troubled times, by not granting us with full-term pregnancies...chubby cheeks to squish...littles to hold. Slowly, as I kept choosing to believe that God is good and always faithful, He was renewing my mind to be more in line with His desire for me. He was giving me the "radical gift of hope - the ability to continue to dream when failure and disappointment cloud the sun" (The Healing Path by Dan Allender). My desire to be a mom never left but He gave me a new perspective: "I can look to the future with hope instead of pain. He is binding my wounds and I am so grateful! The desire is still there but letting Him take care of it is bringing joy back into my life. There are still hard days but I'm recognizing the lies [...] I see much victory and I see His glory! I see a long road ahead but I also see His hand in mine" (journal entry from April 25, 2014). 

Cole Wesley was born to us on October 8, 2016 after 9 years of marriage (Praise the Lord!!). We are filled with JOY that God saw fit to provide for us a son. I share my thoughts above because God healed me 2 years ago....2 years before Cole's birth. I finally let go and let Him work out my desires to align more with His. I still have days that I don't understand and days that are hard on multiple levels, but I have seen that God is good and I choose to trust Him even when He says no, even when life is ugly. I found JOY before an earthly desire was fulfilled and I want the world to know....I want to remember. I still have so much to learn but I know this: He is good, He is faithful, He is trustworthy, He is there. Dan Allender of The Healing Path describes joy as this, "joy is not an absence of struggle or sorrow but the taste of the presence of God as He surprises us with His gracious love, whatever the circumstances." God didn't have to give us Cole, but He did and I know without a shadow of a doubt that we still would have lived a joyful, abundant life had He not. God did that. God is moving. He is healer.

"He gives life

He is love

He brings light to the darkness

He gives hope and restores every heart that is broken. 

It's His breath in my lungs, 

so I am pouring out my praise! 

GREAT ARE YOU, LORD!"

("Great Are You, Lord" by All Sons and Daughters)

   Photo by Kathryn Bronn Photography

Enough

Too many emotions rolling through my brain to really get a handle on how my heart is, but here I am 37 weeks into this and realizing more and more that life as I know it is about to get drastically different. Not only because, duh a baby's on the way, but because in the past since my future hasn’t always turned out as planned I've defaulted to expecting the worst. Seemed better to be prepared for the pain instead of surprised by it. However, during this journey I've learned to enjoy each moment for what it has to offer. This has worked wonders in healing my heart and I’m thankful that for the most part these 9 months have been joy-filled as opposed to angst-riddled. Only God. So not only are my circumstances changing, but my perspective has been getting an overhaul as well. 

Now as time draws nearer to labor, recovery, newborn highs and lows, I am reminded of where I’ve been and what’s ahead. To be honest dwelling in the present feels easier, which is new for me, but to not recognize where I’ve been takes away from His work in me and to not acknowledge what’s ahead takes away from His gift and really is quite foolish when it comes to preparing for a life change. I am brought to tears constantly as this all comes to a head. This particular pregnancy has obviously only been 9 months, but our fertility journey has been 9 years in the making. To wrap all that up in a nice neat bow is impossible, but that’s what its been….a gift. Those beginning years were filled with such doubt, fear and mistrust that it’s only by His Grace my heart’s not a confused, tangled mess right now, that I’m able to glimpse His hand in it all and be grateful. 

A long time ago, the Jeremy Camp song, “Enough” struck a chord with me, so much so that I wrote in my journal, “God I want you to be enough for me”. Since then He’s brought me into the desert and given me treasures that can only be found in the darkness (Isaiah 45:3), then He led me out into the promise and has healed my heart in ways you cannot imagine. Today I can say that He’s answered my prayer, He is enough for me. He’s gotten me this far and though there’s been pain in the journey, there’s also been everlasting peace, unending joy, persistent hope, and His loving-kindness through it all and I wouldn’t trade any of those lessons for my babies, for the world. Because of Him I know I will see them again.

I pray that this new one will be brought into this world full of life and health, but if not I know my Savior lives and because of that there will always be Hope for tomorrow. He alone can get me through what’s to come. After 9 years you’d think I’d feel prepared for a new babe, but I fear ignorance can be bliss. It terrifies me to raise a child in this world and as ready as I am to finally hold one of my dear ones, I don’t think anyone can ever fully be prepared to parent. Thankfully because of the story He’s written in me I know I’ll never be alone. Thankfully my story involves several others, like you, who’ve been prayer warriors through it all and are surrounding us even now. Thank you. I will never be able to accurately express what it means to us to be supported by such a great cloud of witnesses to His Glory, to His Promises, to His Hope….witnesses who’ve also gone through the fire and still choose to believe. I pray blessings over you all. 

So with that…..Let’s do this :D

Strange Goodbyes

Over halfway and I still can’t believe it! So far, symptoms have been mild and all my appointments have gone well. I had maternity photos taken yesterday and it all feels like a dream. October seems very far away, but with Summer crazy on the horizon I know it will fly by. Jordan’s been guiding hunts this month in Canoe Bay and has had a very successful season…3 clients, 3 ginormous bears, great weather. He gets home this week and I can’t wait! I’ve been feeling the little one move more and more, but have been trying to ward off all the hands because I want him to be the first to feel movement :D 

The hardest thing overall has definitely been all the brain chatter. I’m realizing that my default has become “prepare for disappointment” that way I’ll be surprised with any fulfillment, but not crushed if things don’t turn out quite how I’ve hoped. Interesting thing is that forever ago my mom mentioned something of the sort when we were preparing for a vacation. She voiced a similar mantra because not all the logistics were in place yet and she wasn’t ready to fully embrace anticipating the might be vacation until it was more of a will be. I remember feeling sad for her because she wasn’t able to enjoy all the excitement, the joy in what was surely to come. Now here I am in my own journey and I totally resonate with her, but I don't think this is what the Lord intended for us when He came to bring abundant life to His people (John 10:10).

I am balancing on this precipice between sorrowful realities and joyful anticipation. As much as I am thrilled for this little one, I am just as much waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. Every time I add something to my registry, plan the nursery, discuss labor or newborns, imagine my summer/fall, etc a little thought always passes through my head reminding me that this could all be over in a second, so I then I have a choice. I can entertain that thought and go through the imaginary logistics of returning items, buying new non-maternity bridesmaid dresses, undoing my nursery, blah blah blah OR I can say, “honestly, yes that could happen but today I’m going to choose hope. Today I choose to believe that whatever comes my way the Lord can and is preparing me. I will not only survive, but I will THRIVE.” Asking myself those never-ending “what if” questions suck the joy from my life, leaving me in fear of all the unknowns I can’t control. However, I do think it’s important to realize that bad things do happen, but its the dwelling there that robs me of life. 

I’ve lived so long being content with unfulfilled dreams that I’ve forgotten what its like to live in fulfillment of them! The funny thing is I’m struggling with letting all that go because I’ve found sweetness here amongst all the bitter. I’ve found comfort and healing in the arms of the Lord because I turned to Him in my desert. He has sustained me here and I’ve found new perspective. He has taught me that pain is a good thing and that He makes all things new in His time. Although I felt neglected in my desires, I have found that He can change desire to match His own and that there’s more to life than what we think we want. I found beauty among the ashes and leaving this season is a bitter-sweet goodbye. Thankfully our Lord never changes, so I can trust that whatever is to come in this next season will be met by Him. He will never leave me (Heb 13:5), He will complete His work started in me (Phil 1:6), He will meet me where I am and reveal more of Himself. He will bring life.  

Not surprisingly Sarah Hagerty of “Every Bitter thing is Sweet” again echoes my thoughts, “How do you say goodbye to a season that He’s used to make you into who you are?”

Photo Credit: Kathryn Bronn

Beauty from Ashes

   When I was little my dad decided to work towards his Masters degree at Seattle Pacific University, so my parents loaded the family into our trusty Plymouth Voyager and drove down to the PNW. Crazy, but some of my favorite childhood memories are on the Alaska-Canada Hwy. The one I’d like to share is dear to my heart and has given me an awesome visual for what the Lord has done and is doing in our lives. 

   We left Anchorage right after school let out for the summer and a few days in we found ourselves stuck in the middle of nowhere waiting out a forest fire. It was on both sides of the road, but after what seemed like forever they let us through. The barrenness of that stretch of road was breathtaking. The first time I’d seen such destruction. I remember asking my parents why and would anything ever grow back. It all seemed nonsensical to me, but I was young so the concept of the cycles of nature were foreign. We eventually made it to Seattle, had a memorable time, then in August headed back to Alaska. 

   We were not prepared for what we saw as we passed through the same area that months before stopped us due to fire. Amongst the charred remains of the once great Spruce were millions of brightly colored fireweed. The color was otherworldly against the black backdrop of devastation. We hopped out and took several pictures, but nothing quite captured what our eyes were seeing. My dad reminded us that this is what God does. He takes the ugly, the barren, the broken and He makes them new. He repurposes them for His glory. That summer I saw firsthand what that could look like and have carried that visual through my darkest days. 

   The Lord is making all things new, He is making beauty from ashes and is always working for our good (Rev 21:5, Isaiah 61:1-3, Romans 8:28).  

   Many of you have followed my blog closely and I have to apologize that my posts have been scarce as of late. This year has been difficult to put down into words. I’ve barely even journaled, but He has brought me to such a place where I’ve been contented, non-desperate, and at peace that my need to verbally process through writing has not been necessary. I don’t know how else to explain… 

   I chose this weekend to reveal what the Lord is doing because obviously its a great reminder of what He’s done for us, but also because it so accurately reflects what He’s done in my life. He’s taken me through the darkness of infertility and through it has healed my heart. I need to quote Sarah Hagerty (“Every Bitter Thing is Sweet”) again because her journey is such a reflection of where He’s taken me and I can now confidently claim her words as my own, “‘A satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb, but to a hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.’ I don't want to be a hungry soul just for a season, I want to live hunger. This is what draws me to Him. This is what fills every single bitter circumstance with the opportunity to know Him more. This is what brings me to the sweetness of His presence […] Because when I choose hope, when I choose to engage in that awkward intimacy of believing that He might say no while asking expectantly that He say yes, He gets the most beautiful part of me […] a baby in my arms is not something our healing has earned, the culmination of our hope. We each have a deeper journey still […] WINTER AND SPRING: HE IS HEALER IN BOTH.”

   With the above in mind, Jordan and I are thrilled to announce that God has given us another opportunity to be parents! On January 31 we were surprised to find out that I’m pregnant again. We have since had a successful ultrasound and have heard this little one’s heartbeat multiple times. I’m 13 weeks as of today, so only 189 days left :D This is the furthest along I’ve been by a lot and I know there’s a long way to go, but we are so thrilled for this opportunity to give Him the glory no matter what our future holds. We know that He’ll take care of us and He’ll take care of our baby. We covet your prayers as we forge ahead into these unknown waters. Please pray that we can “engage in the awkward intimacy of believing He might say no while asking expectantly that He say yes”, that we will find more of Him as we seek Him, that our hearts will be prepared for what’s to come, and that we can actively engage in the joy set before us, unhindered by the doubts, fears and worry that plague our minds. 

   We are thankful for your support through this journey and are excited to be among such people as you while we embark on yet another life changing journey. You have acted as God’s hands, feet and voice and we couldn’t have made it through this without you. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. 

Jesus is the Reason

Merry CHRISTmas from the Webers! 2015 brought us a new house, an Australian Shepherd puppy we named K'eyush (means "Little Bear"), a successful summer at The General, a sweet teenage girl to host for the school year (we are thrilled to have room to share and she's been a joy to have around),  and a Thanksgiving surprise when Jodi bought last minute tickets home.

We give thanks for all His many blessings and for His Peace through the busy seasons. We thank you for your support and for your love. Here's a few photos of what we've been up to:

Family Boat Trip 

Getting acquainted

K'eyush

Jordan heading to Canoe Bay to hunt the Big Bears

Jordan's parents came for a visit!

At my Aunt Jenny's wedding

At my Aunt Jessie's wedding

Seasons

We moved into our home on June 17 (yay!), so life has been full of moving and finishing the house and working our jobs. We were without water the first 10 days, then everything slowly fell into place once that was hooked up. Our home is quite livable now, but there is a lot to do still (i.e., siding, shelving, trim). I’ve had a lot of fun making it a home and pulling out my decorations. We’ve lived in Port Alsworth for 2 years now so they’ve been in storage a long time! Work at The General Lodge was wonderful this year, truly, and its been difficult to say goodbye for the winter. The last day of the summer season was Sept 4. Jordan stayed quite busy between guiding trips for the lodge and working on our house. We got to see each other almost everyday, which for us is exciting, and be in our own house no less! We are still trying to piece together jobs for the winter but so far I will be nannying 3 days a week and he hopes to get onto a construction job. There are quite a few homes being built out here at the moment so hopefully one of them gets closed in before the snow falls. 

Today I am thankful that God made seasons. Autumn is upon us and summer is already becoming a distant memory. Although this summer was good, I am still looking forward to the quiet of an Alaskan fall/winter. I seem to lose track of myself during the summer. Between working and trying to sneak away for bonfires, campouts, and hikes it’s difficult to find any time for reflection. I find that busy seasons are hardest for me know how to be in-tune with my heart. Busy isn’t necessarily bad I just need to choose to be more intentional with how I spend my time, being present in the present. For example, why not bring my journal along with me to the next campout? or actually remembering to pray for the person I’m making coffee for? Still working out the details, but living an intentional life focused on loving God and others regardless of how busy I am or not is what the Lord’s been challenging me with this past season. 

Now its fall and things are slowing down a lot. Nannying doesn’t start until October, so I have lots of time to reflect. I’ve been reading this book by Sarah Hagerty called “Every Bitter Thing is Sweet” and it always amazes me when I read my own thoughts in a book. She has struggled like all of us and like some of us she’s found His Joy and Peace through her pain. There is a lot I could talk on like realizing my perception of God is quite skewed most of the time or being challenged to see others who God made them to be and not who they or we think they are, but the quote I’d like to share with you all today is this: “‘A satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb, but to a hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.’ I don’t want to be a hungry soul just for a season. I want to live hunger. This is what draws me to Him. This is what fills every single bitter circumstance with the opportunity to know Him more. This is what brings me to the sweetness of His presence. […] Because when I choose hope, when I choose to engage in that awkward intimacy of believing that He might say no while asking expectantly that He say yes, He gets the most beautiful part of me.” I’ve been hearing this everywhere and think maybe it’s time to listen…..This lined up perfectly with what I’ve been reading in James. James 1:5-6 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.” 

Honestly my flesh hates this, every time I read through the quote or sit down to try and process what all this means I hear screaming. I hear, “if you place your hope there you’ll never get what you want, you won’t be in control, He’ll never say yes to you, only a fool would hope in the impossible, its only going to hurt worse, you’ll be disappointed again.” I have to consciously make the effort to drown out the noise and only then do I begin to remember all the times He has said yes, then I start hearing snippets of His whispers to me, “I made you who you are and you are beautiful to me, you are not broken but healed, you are not cursed but chosen, in the eyes of eternity I will not disappoint, I am your Redeemer and you can hope in me.”  My heart aches with doubt, I want to ask in faith but there seems to be this wall of doubt I can’t get through. I don’t know how to “believe He might say no while asking expectantly that He say yes.” I usually ask expecting the no so that I’m not as disappointed. So this is the challenge for my next season: Choosing to hope even if the answer is no and realizing that even in the bitter there is sweet to consume. Through Him I can have faith without doubt. “Winter and spring: He is healer in both.” (Sarah Hagerty)

“Though the fig tree should not blossom,

 nor fruit be on the vines, 

the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, 

the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, 

yet I will rejoice in the Lord;

 I will take joy in the God of my salvation. 

God, the Lord, is my strength; 

He makes my feet like the deer’s; 

He makes me tread on my high places.”

Habbakuk 3:17-19