2 years

2 years since the “desert”. A friend reminded me (yes I had to be reminded!) that not only was my firstborn turning 2 but it was also a celebration of His beauty from our ashes. A 2 year anniversary of what God has done and will do in our lives. 2 years ago we were not only celebrating the birth of our firstborn but of a God who was there in the waiting, and the hoping. He chose to write our story this way and we couldn’t be happier. We are so grateful for His presence through it all. 

It’s astounding to me how the hum drum of daily life can dim the wonder from a thing. I think its so important to take the time to reflect, take a step back and remember. I have very much settled into “momming” and my fleshly default longs for nap time, doing what I want to do and groans with the coming of morning. It’s ridiculous really. How come we’re all built with this complaining spirit in us? I want to remember those early days when Cole’s morning coos gave me such delight and when I’d marvel at the miracle of him during nap time waiting for him to wake so we could play again. Now I’m like, “Nooo it hasn’t been long enough! Go back to sleep kid!”

So today I remember. I acknowledge the challenge of this season, but choose to revel in the Glory of it all. His Glory. All is Grace. Such a balancing act of emotions. I am not perfect, never will be, but I AM thankful. Thankful my Lord shines in my weakness, thankful He remember, thankful He’s writing my story, thankful I’ve been chosen to raise His cute boys, and that His Presence surrounds us. 

Begin Again

“Difficult roads often lead to the most beautiful destinations (Author Unknown)" and I think the same can be said for life. My dad has often encouraged me to “find joy in the journey”, which often resulted in the rolling of my eyes or a sigh of frustration because sometimes that’s the last thing I want to hear. However, somewhere along the way it’s become my life’s mantra. 

These days my life is a revolving door of poopy diapers, dirty dishes, and laundry. I constantly battle getting sucked into the dreary mundaneness of it all. It tries to take over all the time. These precious moments with my littles could be robbed from my memory because I’m not stopping to enjoy, to find the joy, to soak in their smiley, giggly, pudgy handed selves. Instead the days start to blur together as sleep deprivation sets in, dishes are piled higher and coffee’s microwaved for the third time. 

My journey has taken many unexpected twists and turns, not unlike a road, but has brought me through many seasons that have helped shape me and prepare me for this beautiful one. I will never forget what I’ve been through, nor will I forget the lessons learned. One such lesson is that in any situation there is always something to be thankful for or to be joyful in, you only have to be willing to look. 

Hayden is now 7 weeks old and with his birth came another season, let’s name it Grace, because the feelings of inadequacy are real and the letting go is hard. I can’t be everything for all three boys (yes that includes the hubs), all the time. I have to say no when my toddler wants me to hold him on our walk because I only have two arms, but he’s growing fast and won't ask much longer so my heart breaks because I can't always say yes. I knew this was coming but now, living it, I’m feeling all the growing pains that come with and know that I can still be thankful. I’m thankful that he’s learning patience and sharing, that he still loves his momma and that he has two strong healthy legs that can carry him. 

There is a lot of joy to be had in this season and I don’t want to miss it! I am finding joy in my journey, even on the hard days. I am leaning ever harder on God’s Amazing Grace because He is carrying me, even as I carry these boys. He lifts my teary eyes to see the joy that is my life and to not fret over what I can’t do because He can. I want to intentionally live in His Grace and feel all the feelings. We are learning and we are growing and there IS enough love to go around. If I could be supermom and everything else then how would Cole and Hayden know their need of a Savior?

This is only the beginning. 

Real

Seasons inevitably change, chapters always come to an end, life unavoidably moves forward. Here we are, parents of a 6 month old, and I am overwhelmed. We sat Cole in his high chair for the very first time the other day, held hands, and prayed over our meal. I bawled. God is good whether he gives or takes away. 

I wish I could tell you that I’ve come to a place of never doubting, always trusting. A dear friend jokingly remarked that I’d be a fool to never trust God again because of Cole, our “mira-cole”. I wish life were that simple and that I could agree, but we all know that life is HARD and there are no guarantees. Ultimately I do trust Him, but it’s in the difficult, sometimes blinding, moments that I can so easily forget. I am so grateful to God for the journey He’s brought me through because it’s taught me the language of lament; it’s taught me the importance of honesty and being okay with not being okay; it’s taught me a lesson in finding joy, then choosing joy when I’d rather not because throwing a fit feels like a more valid option. 

Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost my voice because admitting that motherhood has been challenging has felt like I’m saying I’m ungrateful, which is NOT TRUE. Fortunately, the Lord knows my heart and I truly am so unbelievably grateful even when I’m having a “woe is me” kind of day. I’ve heard a lot of stories and struggles that other mothers, my friends, have gone through. I thought I’d been amply prepared for the kinds of things one might go through emotionally when they become a parent, but there is nothing like experiencing them all for yourself. What does one do with the emotional upheaval that having a child does to the heart especially when you’re supposed to be all fine and dandy because God gifted you the child you always wanted??

I’d been forgetting the language of lament, “an expression of honest emotions to God when life is not going as planned. Whether we’re hurt, frustrated, confused, betrayed, overwhelmed, sad, or disappointed, lament is the language God has given us to talk to Him right in the middle of life’s messes” (Esther Fleece, No More Faking Fine). “Feelings are meant to be felt and then taken to God” (Ann Voskamp, The Broken Way). I’ve always loved Lamentations 3:19-25 because the author remembers his affliction, then gives it to the Lord by claiming new mercies every morning and believing the faithfulness of our God. Having Cole has not taken away the ache of my past, nor the disappointments of today, and will not prevent the pain of tomorrow. Like the author I remember my afflictions and my wanderings by voicing them to the Lord because they are a part of me and a part of this fallen world, but in His lovingkindness He is producing hope through suffering (Romans 5:3-5). “Hope focuses not on circumstances but on Christ’s coming and the redemption of our character” (Dan Allender, The Healing Path). 

I have been able to stay at home with Cole this winter and am especially grateful to Jordan who has had to work extra hard for this to be possible. Most days I live in peace and contentment, marveling that a little boy’s smile can melt the heart and chase clouds away! But then there are weeks like this last week when its a fight to stay positive, the feeling of loneliness creeps in and the blur of the monotonous makes my head spin. Graciously He takes my emotions and covers them with His love and patience. My God sees me and meets me, then gives me Hope. 

Great are you Lord

"Delight yourself in the Lord 

and He will give you the desires of your heart." 

Psalm 37:4

"Ask and it will be given to you; 

seek and you will find; 

knock, and it will be opened to you. 

For everyone who asks receives, 

and the one who seeks finds, 

and to the one who knocks it will be opened." 

Matthew 7:7-8

Since the beginning of our infertility journey I have struggled immensely with these verses and others like them. I felt like I was asking, I was knocking, I was delighting and still nothing was happening. I would hear other "miracle" stories and as I was smiling my congratulations, my heart was crying out, "Why them and not me?", "I'm asking too aren't I?", "Am I not doing it right?" The stories of others meant to give me hope only left me discouraged and confused. I began to resent them and the people in them. 

All the doctors kept saying you're healthy, this is normal, we don't worry about it until after your third ("Three!! Are you kidding me?? I don't want to do this three more times before you care" were my thoughts after my first). I kept waiting, I kept asking, but time and again babies were lost and my heart was bleeding. Finally after my third I was at wits end, I was tired, I was confused, I didn't know how to move forward, I started realizing I was stuck in the wanting and what I was hoping for may never come. In my journal, on February 8, 2014, I wrote, "My desire to be a mom has been all consuming for too long. I have grieved - am grieving- but its time to move forward. I don't want the next 10+ years to be wasted in waiting when I could be making a difference. I have been paralyzed for far too long. I'm ready to share my journey." We had moved to Port Alsworth that fall and this was the start of my healing. I had to be ready to face my fear, in that we may never have biological children. I also had to be ready to let go of my pain, seems an odd thing to say but I was afraid that, "if I let go no one would pray, no one would remember my littles in heaven. My pain connected me to them." (paraphrased from same journal entry). Jesus whispered...."I will."

My prayers changed from "God bless us with a child", to "God I want more of You." I started listening and He began to heal my heart. I heard that "what gives Him pleasure is us drawing nearer to Himself. His will is to constantly transform our minds towards relationship with Him. A lot of times its through the tragedies of life or unanswered prayers that our hearts can become more like His when we choose to abide. Our minds are renewed throughout struggle" (paraphrased from journal entry April 4, 2014). Romans 12:2 tells us "not to be conformed to this world, but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds, that by testing we may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." It was difficult for my world-trained brain to accept the possibility that God was drawing me near through troubled times, by not granting us with full-term pregnancies...chubby cheeks to squish...littles to hold. Slowly, as I kept choosing to believe that God is good and always faithful, He was renewing my mind to be more in line with His desire for me. He was giving me the "radical gift of hope - the ability to continue to dream when failure and disappointment cloud the sun" (The Healing Path by Dan Allender). My desire to be a mom never left but He gave me a new perspective: "I can look to the future with hope instead of pain. He is binding my wounds and I am so grateful! The desire is still there but letting Him take care of it is bringing joy back into my life. There are still hard days but I'm recognizing the lies [...] I see much victory and I see His glory! I see a long road ahead but I also see His hand in mine" (journal entry from April 25, 2014). 

Cole Wesley was born to us on October 8, 2016 after 9 years of marriage (Praise the Lord!!). We are filled with JOY that God saw fit to provide for us a son. I share my thoughts above because God healed me 2 years ago....2 years before Cole's birth. I finally let go and let Him work out my desires to align more with His. I still have days that I don't understand and days that are hard on multiple levels, but I have seen that God is good and I choose to trust Him even when He says no, even when life is ugly. I found JOY before an earthly desire was fulfilled and I want the world to know....I want to remember. I still have so much to learn but I know this: He is good, He is faithful, He is trustworthy, He is there. Dan Allender of The Healing Path describes joy as this, "joy is not an absence of struggle or sorrow but the taste of the presence of God as He surprises us with His gracious love, whatever the circumstances." God didn't have to give us Cole, but He did and I know without a shadow of a doubt that we still would have lived a joyful, abundant life had He not. God did that. God is moving. He is healer.

"He gives life

He is love

He brings light to the darkness

He gives hope and restores every heart that is broken. 

It's His breath in my lungs, 

so I am pouring out my praise! 

GREAT ARE YOU, LORD!"

("Great Are You, Lord" by All Sons and Daughters)

   Photo by Kathryn Bronn Photography

Enough

Too many emotions rolling through my brain to really get a handle on how my heart is, but here I am 37 weeks into this and realizing more and more that life as I know it is about to get drastically different. Not only because, duh a baby's on the way, but because in the past since my future hasn’t always turned out as planned I've defaulted to expecting the worst. Seemed better to be prepared for the pain instead of surprised by it. However, during this journey I've learned to enjoy each moment for what it has to offer. This has worked wonders in healing my heart and I’m thankful that for the most part these 9 months have been joy-filled as opposed to angst-riddled. Only God. So not only are my circumstances changing, but my perspective has been getting an overhaul as well. 

Now as time draws nearer to labor, recovery, newborn highs and lows, I am reminded of where I’ve been and what’s ahead. To be honest dwelling in the present feels easier, which is new for me, but to not recognize where I’ve been takes away from His work in me and to not acknowledge what’s ahead takes away from His gift and really is quite foolish when it comes to preparing for a life change. I am brought to tears constantly as this all comes to a head. This particular pregnancy has obviously only been 9 months, but our fertility journey has been 9 years in the making. To wrap all that up in a nice neat bow is impossible, but that’s what its been….a gift. Those beginning years were filled with such doubt, fear and mistrust that it’s only by His Grace my heart’s not a confused, tangled mess right now, that I’m able to glimpse His hand in it all and be grateful. 

A long time ago, the Jeremy Camp song, “Enough” struck a chord with me, so much so that I wrote in my journal, “God I want you to be enough for me”. Since then He’s brought me into the desert and given me treasures that can only be found in the darkness (Isaiah 45:3), then He led me out into the promise and has healed my heart in ways you cannot imagine. Today I can say that He’s answered my prayer, He is enough for me. He’s gotten me this far and though there’s been pain in the journey, there’s also been everlasting peace, unending joy, persistent hope, and His loving-kindness through it all and I wouldn’t trade any of those lessons for my babies, for the world. Because of Him I know I will see them again.

I pray that this new one will be brought into this world full of life and health, but if not I know my Savior lives and because of that there will always be Hope for tomorrow. He alone can get me through what’s to come. After 9 years you’d think I’d feel prepared for a new babe, but I fear ignorance can be bliss. It terrifies me to raise a child in this world and as ready as I am to finally hold one of my dear ones, I don’t think anyone can ever fully be prepared to parent. Thankfully because of the story He’s written in me I know I’ll never be alone. Thankfully my story involves several others, like you, who’ve been prayer warriors through it all and are surrounding us even now. Thank you. I will never be able to accurately express what it means to us to be supported by such a great cloud of witnesses to His Glory, to His Promises, to His Hope….witnesses who’ve also gone through the fire and still choose to believe. I pray blessings over you all. 

So with that…..Let’s do this :D

Strange Goodbyes

Over halfway and I still can’t believe it! So far, symptoms have been mild and all my appointments have gone well. I had maternity photos taken yesterday and it all feels like a dream. October seems very far away, but with Summer crazy on the horizon I know it will fly by. Jordan’s been guiding hunts this month in Canoe Bay and has had a very successful season…3 clients, 3 ginormous bears, great weather. He gets home this week and I can’t wait! I’ve been feeling the little one move more and more, but have been trying to ward off all the hands because I want him to be the first to feel movement :D 

The hardest thing overall has definitely been all the brain chatter. I’m realizing that my default has become “prepare for disappointment” that way I’ll be surprised with any fulfillment, but not crushed if things don’t turn out quite how I’ve hoped. Interesting thing is that forever ago my mom mentioned something of the sort when we were preparing for a vacation. She voiced a similar mantra because not all the logistics were in place yet and she wasn’t ready to fully embrace anticipating the might be vacation until it was more of a will be. I remember feeling sad for her because she wasn’t able to enjoy all the excitement, the joy in what was surely to come. Now here I am in my own journey and I totally resonate with her, but I don't think this is what the Lord intended for us when He came to bring abundant life to His people (John 10:10).

I am balancing on this precipice between sorrowful realities and joyful anticipation. As much as I am thrilled for this little one, I am just as much waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. Every time I add something to my registry, plan the nursery, discuss labor or newborns, imagine my summer/fall, etc a little thought always passes through my head reminding me that this could all be over in a second, so I then I have a choice. I can entertain that thought and go through the imaginary logistics of returning items, buying new non-maternity bridesmaid dresses, undoing my nursery, blah blah blah OR I can say, “honestly, yes that could happen but today I’m going to choose hope. Today I choose to believe that whatever comes my way the Lord can and is preparing me. I will not only survive, but I will THRIVE.” Asking myself those never-ending “what if” questions suck the joy from my life, leaving me in fear of all the unknowns I can’t control. However, I do think it’s important to realize that bad things do happen, but its the dwelling there that robs me of life. 

I’ve lived so long being content with unfulfilled dreams that I’ve forgotten what its like to live in fulfillment of them! The funny thing is I’m struggling with letting all that go because I’ve found sweetness here amongst all the bitter. I’ve found comfort and healing in the arms of the Lord because I turned to Him in my desert. He has sustained me here and I’ve found new perspective. He has taught me that pain is a good thing and that He makes all things new in His time. Although I felt neglected in my desires, I have found that He can change desire to match His own and that there’s more to life than what we think we want. I found beauty among the ashes and leaving this season is a bitter-sweet goodbye. Thankfully our Lord never changes, so I can trust that whatever is to come in this next season will be met by Him. He will never leave me (Heb 13:5), He will complete His work started in me (Phil 1:6), He will meet me where I am and reveal more of Himself. He will bring life.  

Not surprisingly Sarah Hagerty of “Every Bitter thing is Sweet” again echoes my thoughts, “How do you say goodbye to a season that He’s used to make you into who you are?”

Photo Credit: Kathryn Bronn

Beauty from Ashes

   When I was little my dad decided to work towards his Masters degree at Seattle Pacific University, so my parents loaded the family into our trusty Plymouth Voyager and drove down to the PNW. Crazy, but some of my favorite childhood memories are on the Alaska-Canada Hwy. The one I’d like to share is dear to my heart and has given me an awesome visual for what the Lord has done and is doing in our lives. 

   We left Anchorage right after school let out for the summer and a few days in we found ourselves stuck in the middle of nowhere waiting out a forest fire. It was on both sides of the road, but after what seemed like forever they let us through. The barrenness of that stretch of road was breathtaking. The first time I’d seen such destruction. I remember asking my parents why and would anything ever grow back. It all seemed nonsensical to me, but I was young so the concept of the cycles of nature were foreign. We eventually made it to Seattle, had a memorable time, then in August headed back to Alaska. 

   We were not prepared for what we saw as we passed through the same area that months before stopped us due to fire. Amongst the charred remains of the once great Spruce were millions of brightly colored fireweed. The color was otherworldly against the black backdrop of devastation. We hopped out and took several pictures, but nothing quite captured what our eyes were seeing. My dad reminded us that this is what God does. He takes the ugly, the barren, the broken and He makes them new. He repurposes them for His glory. That summer I saw firsthand what that could look like and have carried that visual through my darkest days. 

   The Lord is making all things new, He is making beauty from ashes and is always working for our good (Rev 21:5, Isaiah 61:1-3, Romans 8:28).  

   Many of you have followed my blog closely and I have to apologize that my posts have been scarce as of late. This year has been difficult to put down into words. I’ve barely even journaled, but He has brought me to such a place where I’ve been contented, non-desperate, and at peace that my need to verbally process through writing has not been necessary. I don’t know how else to explain… 

   I chose this weekend to reveal what the Lord is doing because obviously its a great reminder of what He’s done for us, but also because it so accurately reflects what He’s done in my life. He’s taken me through the darkness of infertility and through it has healed my heart. I need to quote Sarah Hagerty (“Every Bitter Thing is Sweet”) again because her journey is such a reflection of where He’s taken me and I can now confidently claim her words as my own, “‘A satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb, but to a hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.’ I don't want to be a hungry soul just for a season, I want to live hunger. This is what draws me to Him. This is what fills every single bitter circumstance with the opportunity to know Him more. This is what brings me to the sweetness of His presence […] Because when I choose hope, when I choose to engage in that awkward intimacy of believing that He might say no while asking expectantly that He say yes, He gets the most beautiful part of me […] a baby in my arms is not something our healing has earned, the culmination of our hope. We each have a deeper journey still […] WINTER AND SPRING: HE IS HEALER IN BOTH.”

   With the above in mind, Jordan and I are thrilled to announce that God has given us another opportunity to be parents! On January 31 we were surprised to find out that I’m pregnant again. We have since had a successful ultrasound and have heard this little one’s heartbeat multiple times. I’m 13 weeks as of today, so only 189 days left :D This is the furthest along I’ve been by a lot and I know there’s a long way to go, but we are so thrilled for this opportunity to give Him the glory no matter what our future holds. We know that He’ll take care of us and He’ll take care of our baby. We covet your prayers as we forge ahead into these unknown waters. Please pray that we can “engage in the awkward intimacy of believing He might say no while asking expectantly that He say yes”, that we will find more of Him as we seek Him, that our hearts will be prepared for what’s to come, and that we can actively engage in the joy set before us, unhindered by the doubts, fears and worry that plague our minds. 

   We are thankful for your support through this journey and are excited to be among such people as you while we embark on yet another life changing journey. You have acted as God’s hands, feet and voice and we couldn’t have made it through this without you. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. 

Jesus is the Reason

Merry CHRISTmas from the Webers! 2015 brought us a new house, an Australian Shepherd puppy we named K'eyush (means "Little Bear"), a successful summer at The General, a sweet teenage girl to host for the school year (we are thrilled to have room to share and she's been a joy to have around),  and a Thanksgiving surprise when Jodi bought last minute tickets home.

We give thanks for all His many blessings and for His Peace through the busy seasons. We thank you for your support and for your love. Here's a few photos of what we've been up to:

Family Boat Trip 

Getting acquainted

K'eyush

Jordan heading to Canoe Bay to hunt the Big Bears

Jordan's parents came for a visit!

At my Aunt Jenny's wedding

At my Aunt Jessie's wedding

Seasons

We moved into our home on June 17 (yay!), so life has been full of moving and finishing the house and working our jobs. We were without water the first 10 days, then everything slowly fell into place once that was hooked up. Our home is quite livable now, but there is a lot to do still (i.e., siding, shelving, trim). I’ve had a lot of fun making it a home and pulling out my decorations. We’ve lived in Port Alsworth for 2 years now so they’ve been in storage a long time! Work at The General Lodge was wonderful this year, truly, and its been difficult to say goodbye for the winter. The last day of the summer season was Sept 4. Jordan stayed quite busy between guiding trips for the lodge and working on our house. We got to see each other almost everyday, which for us is exciting, and be in our own house no less! We are still trying to piece together jobs for the winter but so far I will be nannying 3 days a week and he hopes to get onto a construction job. There are quite a few homes being built out here at the moment so hopefully one of them gets closed in before the snow falls. 

Today I am thankful that God made seasons. Autumn is upon us and summer is already becoming a distant memory. Although this summer was good, I am still looking forward to the quiet of an Alaskan fall/winter. I seem to lose track of myself during the summer. Between working and trying to sneak away for bonfires, campouts, and hikes it’s difficult to find any time for reflection. I find that busy seasons are hardest for me know how to be in-tune with my heart. Busy isn’t necessarily bad I just need to choose to be more intentional with how I spend my time, being present in the present. For example, why not bring my journal along with me to the next campout? or actually remembering to pray for the person I’m making coffee for? Still working out the details, but living an intentional life focused on loving God and others regardless of how busy I am or not is what the Lord’s been challenging me with this past season. 

Now its fall and things are slowing down a lot. Nannying doesn’t start until October, so I have lots of time to reflect. I’ve been reading this book by Sarah Hagerty called “Every Bitter Thing is Sweet” and it always amazes me when I read my own thoughts in a book. She has struggled like all of us and like some of us she’s found His Joy and Peace through her pain. There is a lot I could talk on like realizing my perception of God is quite skewed most of the time or being challenged to see others who God made them to be and not who they or we think they are, but the quote I’d like to share with you all today is this: “‘A satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb, but to a hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.’ I don’t want to be a hungry soul just for a season. I want to live hunger. This is what draws me to Him. This is what fills every single bitter circumstance with the opportunity to know Him more. This is what brings me to the sweetness of His presence. […] Because when I choose hope, when I choose to engage in that awkward intimacy of believing that He might say no while asking expectantly that He say yes, He gets the most beautiful part of me.” I’ve been hearing this everywhere and think maybe it’s time to listen…..This lined up perfectly with what I’ve been reading in James. James 1:5-6 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.” 

Honestly my flesh hates this, every time I read through the quote or sit down to try and process what all this means I hear screaming. I hear, “if you place your hope there you’ll never get what you want, you won’t be in control, He’ll never say yes to you, only a fool would hope in the impossible, its only going to hurt worse, you’ll be disappointed again.” I have to consciously make the effort to drown out the noise and only then do I begin to remember all the times He has said yes, then I start hearing snippets of His whispers to me, “I made you who you are and you are beautiful to me, you are not broken but healed, you are not cursed but chosen, in the eyes of eternity I will not disappoint, I am your Redeemer and you can hope in me.”  My heart aches with doubt, I want to ask in faith but there seems to be this wall of doubt I can’t get through. I don’t know how to “believe He might say no while asking expectantly that He say yes.” I usually ask expecting the no so that I’m not as disappointed. So this is the challenge for my next season: Choosing to hope even if the answer is no and realizing that even in the bitter there is sweet to consume. Through Him I can have faith without doubt. “Winter and spring: He is healer in both.” (Sarah Hagerty)

“Though the fig tree should not blossom,

 nor fruit be on the vines, 

the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, 

the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, 

yet I will rejoice in the Lord;

 I will take joy in the God of my salvation. 

God, the Lord, is my strength; 

He makes my feet like the deer’s; 

He makes me tread on my high places.”

Habbakuk 3:17-19

Motherhood

I don't know whether it's because I'm in the thick of it or if it's really true, but it seems that there is a movement going on in our world, a movement of awareness for "untraditional" mothers. I have no hard research to back me up, but I do know there are a lot of women choosing vulnerability through social media on this topic. I have been moved to the core with what the Lord is doing through unborn children, through adoption, foster care, and other such situations. God sure uses all kinds of avenues to remove the stones from my heart.

For at least two years now I have been wrestling with the idea of motherhood. It's what most girls dream of and what a lot of women are (whether they want to be or not). Since my motherhood dream wasn't coming about how I anticipated, I began to wonder where this longing was coming from: was it a cultural expectation or had the Lord actually placed this longing within me. A part of me desires children because that's what's expected of me as a woman, especially because without having babies for this long people become uncomfortable. I've gotten the question (in jest, but still it was painful) "you do know how it works don't you?" I want the awkwardness to stop, so naturally I feel the need to provide what's lacking. However, I also long to fulfill the desire that God has placed in all women. We were created to be fruitful and multiply (Gen 1:28), so females are wired around that calling. Even our curse after the Fall is directly related to how He's made us (Gen 3:16). Although I believe that the Lord does so with other women, I don't feel He's ever impressed upon me, specifically, that I would be a mother to my own biological or adopted child.

I have been upset for a long time, believing the lie that He was withholding what was mine because I wasn't good enough yet. However, once I began asking the questions and looking at my situation objectively I remember that there is no guarantee. Just because it's what I expected, doesn't ever mean that's how it'll turn out.

So what does Motherhood mean for me? It's a part of my design as a female, but how can I utilize these gifts while I hope for the seemingly impossible? The Lord answered me through Paul in 1 Thessalonians 2:7-8, "But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us." If he can give Paul (a man!) a mother's love then can't he also give as much to me? I can experience that love I so long for through Him! While this doesn't take away the awkwardness or the ache, it does shed light on how I can use the gifts he's given me as an individual and as a sister in Christ. I don't have to keep waiting! He is alive and working the good out in me, giving me purpose and hope in the everyday.

I really love Ann Voskamp's words this morning, "Time can't dictate dreams or hijack hope or determine destination. Time may have hands on the clock but its arms are too weak to rob anybody of hope, steal anybody's prayers, destroy anybody's joy. So what if Time's got hands on a clock -- it's God who has His Hands on the universe. Every little thing is going to be okay because God is working good through every little thing. All that's happening is happening to make miracles. There are miracles always unfolding under the impossibles."

After reading this my mind goes directly to the miracle I want to happen most, but then I remember that God can do immeasurably more than I can imagine (Eph 3:20). As much as I want to control the miracles in my life (I don't love surprises, can you tell?), I'm realizing that His plan and His gifts are always better than I can imagine. I honestly don't want good enough, I want immeasurably more, even if it makes people uncomfortable. He's working out a miracle in my heart (right now!) under all the impossibles.

IN OTHER NEWS:
Our house is painfully close to move in ready! Jordan's been working super hard and very long hours to get us here. Still don't really have an ETA as he's started working a few other jobs around town, but I had to share a few pictures!

Be Still My Soul

Our book club just read The Story of the Trapp Family Singers by Maria Augusta Trapp and in it there is a section on traditions. Her description of Lent really captivated me as I've never heard it explained in such a way. "The people living in the country still celebrate Lent as it was understood by the many generations since the beginning of Christianity: by voluntary penance and mortification we should participate in the sufferings of Christ in order to be able to celebrate also the day of Resurrection together with Him. We should die to our old sinful self and rise as a new man." She also describes how one feels at the end of all the Lent traditions and events, "You would have to be unconscious, should your heart not feel as least some of the happiness of the victory of light over darkness--life over death. Whatever troubles and sorrows may overshadow your own path, they have become lighter today--thus you have been a witness to the ultimate victory; Chris is risen--also in your own life. 'Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia!' [...] The youngest and the oldest heart is filled on that day with that wonderful confidence; if He was victorious, we shall be so one day, too, because He said so." This just gets me fired up! I don't know about you, but I never feel this during Easter. It's more about eggs and family, which aren't bad things obviously, but I think I've been missing the point.

So I decided to participate in Lent this year and I gave up social media for 6 weeks. My hope was that I'd have lots of time to sit with Jesus. When I think of being still before Him I immediately go to my happy place of journaling, blogging, coffee, prayer, quiet mornings. I couldn't wait to be filled up! Unfortunately, as February 18th rolled around so did my busy social calendar. Now I don't have much to complain about because most of my busy wasn't work, but fun interactions with friends. However I was finding less and less time to sit for hours in the morning, yet I couldn't quite justify saying no to people, especially those who I hadn't seen in awhile.

Anyway all this got me thinking about life seasons and how there are times when it is truly impossible to literally sit quietly before Him. I began asking the Lord how one can sit quietly before Him amidst their busy. The answer came in 1 Thess 5:16-18. If we practice rejoicing always, praying without ceasing, and giving thanks in all circumstances, then doesn't that mean we are supposed to extend that into our day, not just during our devotion time? For example, there are many times throughout my day I just go through the motions, at work, with a friend, doing chores. When I started looking back through my days I realized that I hadn't acknowledged God at all, like I couldn't even see Him. I'd acknowledged His creation or had times when I talked about Him, but never once did I actually thank Him or pray or rejoice. Again what is that supposed to look like? I think there are many answers, but for me its practicing the art of acknowledging Him. In conversation this could look like praying silently that my words would be from Him, that I'd be seeing the person as God does and not as my flesh does. During chores this might mean giving thanks for my able body, for productivity. Maybe this is a time where I pray for others or give Him praise for the gorgeous day. Before you know it the day is over and because you've been talking to Him all day that quiet morning you missed doesn't feel so detrimental.

This is an art that I'll be practicing the rest of my days and yes I'll always be fighting for my quiet mornings because those are important too. To sum up, Lent was a lot harder than I thought and I learned a lot more about abundant life than planned. Easter Sunday we went hiking instead of doing eggs and being with family, which quite honestly was way better than anticipated. It wasn't the climax I had hoped for, but was more than I could've asked. Thank God for His grace and for His constant refining of me. I'd love to hear how you all find quiet moments with Him during the rush of life. The struggle is real, but we are in it together and because "He is victorious, so we shall be so one day! Alleluia!"

Sharing His Story

"We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, 'I love God,' and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother" (1 John 4:19-21). 

I just finished reading this book Speak Love by Annie Downs. It was refreshingly applicable and has thoroughly changed the way I view and participate in conversations. She has us go through how God speaks love to us, how we speak love to ourselves and how we are to speak love to others. It all really comes down to God's most primary and basic commandment "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no greater commandment than these" (Matthew 22:37-39, Mark 12:30-31, and Luke 10:27).

In Port Alsworth, I am a part of quite a few "small groups" and have been reading a lot during this winter season. Each of these studies and books, as of late, have encouraged me, the reader, to share the gospel and not just the words, but to share Him, which in turn is sharing a bit of myself. It never ceases to amaze me when all things point in the same direction. Anyway, I'm terrified. The lie is that I won't have all the answers, so the person will only leave confused. I'm not one to walk up to a stranger and share the gospel, but just because that isn't my forte doesn't mean I should avoid the opportunity when presented. Jesus is the only reason there is for living and for loving, so why am I so hesitant to share His story? Seems like I ought to be shouting it from the rooftops! For those of you like me, Jim Stump puts it this refreshing way in The Power of One-On-One, "sharing your faith is about so much more than explaining the gospel to someone. It's about living the gospel. Not just telling people about Jesus but becoming the Jesus they may never again meet. As believers, we are so much more than a spokesman for Jesus; we are ambassadors of the truth. We don't just share the gospel; we illustrate it with our lives. I learned that the most effective way to bring people into a meaningful relationship with Jesus is to first show them what a meaningful relationship looks like."

Most of us get to a place where we wonder about our purpose, about what this life is all about. God meets people in a million different ways, but for me it was on a mission trip Junior year to Guatemala. He met me on a rooftop under a starry night sky. The team was worshipping and as I was looking up at the sky that night I felt tiny....I felt insignificant....the lies came rushing, then Jesus. Ahhh, then Jesus. He covered me that night. He overwhelmed me with His love, so much so that the lies vanished and all I could see was Him. Before this point I had kept asking the Lord to show Himself to me. I wanted to know....I wanted to feel Him beside me....I wanted Him to be my choice and not just what everyone else wanted....I needed Him to be real to me. He was preparing me.

However, before this moment I had been prepared for His revealing. He placed key people in my life who constantly pointed me to Him. People who allowed me to question and who loved me through my doubts. Mentors who "spoke love" into my life and poured God's truth over me. I keep thinking about those people and I want to be that for someone. Telling a stranger about Christ and His good news is vital, but "showing people a meaningful relationship" and "becoming the Jesus they may never again meet" is just as important. Because the truth is life is messy and walking through this life with people while continually showing them His love along the way makes the promises He offers all the more real. How thrilling to be included in such a miraculous process!

Together lets share Him with others! Romans 10:14-17

Choose Joy

Jordan and I had a lovely break with his family in Oregon and are now back to real life. The lake is frozen, we have a dusting of snow and its been below freezing for weeks. This is a good thing! Frozen lake means other activities like skating, skiing, and new terrain to explore, snow covers all the barren Earth and below freezing temperatures freeze the mud making it way less messy to walk around.  We have also been house-sitting like crazy! My parents are undertaking another remodel project in the cabin, so its been great to be out of the mess for a bit. This time of year Alaskans travel...a lot, which is perfect for a couple of homeless folks. Our cabin is making slow progress, but we don't mind since its due to a blessing of a job, helping us pay for supplies.

All the waiting, all the house hopping, all the purpose searching and all the unknowns has got me thinking about choices. Thinking about all the choices one makes in a day is overwhelming. Take yesterday for example, there were the mundane choices: what to eat, what to wear, who to text, what to read. There were life altering choices (usually labeled as Decisions): winter jobs, choices regarding our current renters, summer expectations. There were attitude choices: I chose to be sad straight from the get-go. I even noticed and "prayed" that I wouldn't be, but let's be honest...I wasn't ready to let go (another choice, perhaps?). I also chose how I interacted with people: who to be real with, who to reach out to, who to text, who to call. Some of these choices still haven't been finalized and are being carried into today.

Okay, now I'm exhausted and I don't fully know where I'm going with all this except to say, "we all have a choice". I want to say that "I wish we all had a moment before each choice to weigh the pros and cons", but I had that moment yesterday and it wasn't as great as I thought; I still chose sadness. I didn't choose to believe my God offered Joy in that moment. I couldn't understand how to walk in both, so I chose what seemed easiest and I wish I didn't because it altered my day. I refused to see His gifts and all my other choices were affected. I chose dessert instead of fruit. I chose irritation at Jordan, instead of treasuring the moment. I chose to not enter into another's pain because I was blinded by my own. Its scary to think of opportunities missed because of our choices. I'm not saying don't ever be sad (Jesus wept!), but there IS a way to give Him our sadness and to choose Joy. I have the ability to choose seeing Him through my tears and surrendering what I can't understand. Choosing to see would've given Life to my day.

Oh Lord, how I pray for the strength to choose Your Joy and Peace over what I don't understand, over my emotions, and over the lies. Lord, "enlighten my heart to know the Hope to which I'm called (Gal 4:3-7), to know, in full, the riches of my inheritance in You (1 Peter 1:3-9), and to know the immeasurable greatness of Your power (Eph 3:14-20)" (Eph 1). For if I know this and walk in this daily, then how could I ever want to choose anything less?? I am so grateful that "Your Grace is sufficient for me and Your power is made perfect in my weakness" (2 Cor 12:9) because I can't do this alone.

It's That Time of Year

 

Snowflakes, hot cider, reading by the fire, chill in the air, presents, friendship, slow days, letters from afar....these are a few of our favorite things and, since they're all happening now, we love this time of year. The weather outside isn't quite as "frightful" as we'd like, but it's been great for getting things done on our cabin. Concrete was poured in June and now Jordan's begun insulating. Progress is slow as we don't have much time these days, but we are thrilled with what's been done and can't wait to move in! ETA is still to be determined.

Jordan started off the year helping construct The General, which opened June 7! He guided spring and fall big game hunts with Lake Country Lodge and Canoe Bay Outfitters. He has been very successful and is loving every minute. This summer he guided a few trips for Alaskan Ventures with The General and began building our cabin. Now he's working for SKW and they are remodeling the Tanalian School here in Port Alsworth. He plans to continue guiding in 2015 and finish our cabin! We've loved the variety in work, but it makes it difficult to know how the essentials will be provided in each season. It has challenged us both to be more trusting in our Lord because He knows and for that we are grateful.

I worked for Lake and Peninsula Airlines until May, then began helping prepare The General's cafe for its grand opening. My siblings moved to Port Alsworth for the summer, which meant they got to work with us at The General. Caleb helped guide trips and the sisters worked the counter making coffee and serving food. It was hectic at times and slow at times, with a huge learning curve as no one quite knew what to expect, but overall we had a blast! Things have slowed down quite a bit, so I've started working at Lake and Pen again. I am so grateful at how flexible everyone has been with our crazy schedule. We will forever be grateful to our community here.  Speaking of community, my fewer working hours have resulted in more time for socializing, which apparently is my specialty. It has been wonderful making new friends and being creative with our times together. Just this past week we had a wreath making party!

The most difficult part of this past year has been the frequency of times absent from each other. This seems to be a normal problem for some people, but it's a first for us. It's hard to be a part of one another's lives when we so often are headed in different directions. So, we've been learning to appreciate every moment and to be intentional with our time. Much easier said than done, but we are learning that there isn't really ever a normal, there are just seasons. If we don't change with the season then we'll be stuck wishing for what could be, than being present in the life we've been given. We'd miss all the good that this season has to offer.

We love getting your Christmas Cards, but are anxious for the day we get to see you face to face. Thank you for loving us and supporting our ventures. There is no gift better than knowing we are beloved by our Lord and surrounded by friends.

                             Isaiah 61

The Perfect Job

Quick Update: We have had an incredibly busy Summer and Fall. My family was in Port Alsworth for the Summer, but have now all gone their separate ways. It was a cramped, but wonderful time! Jordan left for guiding in August, was VERY successful, and returned home at the end of September. I went on vacation to Oregon for part of his absence. I am so glad I did. It made time go quickly and I got to see a great many people that I haven't seen in far too long. Now we are both home again. He picked up a job remodeling the local school and I am working a couple different jobs (The General and Lake and Peninsula Airlines). His hours are lengthy and start early in the morning. He is gone too much for my liking, but the money is good and we need a leg up if we're to finish our cabin. My work has been full of variety, so is enjoyable for me. Oh and we are housesitting until January. Incredible, I know! It has been lovely.

Although I've loved my work at The General, I seem to constantly be mulling over the age old question of "what am I to do with my life?" Its been ingrained in me by our culture that the answer lies in a career. As children we're asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?", in High School its "what college?", in College its "what major?" , and after college its "have you gotten a job yet?" I don't think these questions are necessarily bad because they really challenge us to keep moving forward and continue to remind us that we truly can be anything we want to be with a lot of hard work and determination. But what about those of us who don't follow the well traveled path to a career? Those questions can start becoming daunting and, even more so, discouraging. 

I was certain my path would lead me into education and motherhood. So far neither has panned out (one by choice, the other by happenstance) and I'm left wondering what my purpose is to be if not those. My collection of odd jobs is not impressive and any future careers I could choose leave a bad taste in my mouth as in no thanks, not for me. Its not the idea of going back to school because lets face it I'm a nerd and I LOVE school, the smells, the grades, the papers, the reading, the organizational supplies and I'll stop now because I'm freaking some of you out. It's really the idea of a full-time, no flexibility, mundane job that would come out of a higher education. I like my life too much to have a job get in the way.....my dad laughs when I phrase it this way. 

What is one to do when they aren't the "status quo"? When they don't have a "title"? She's a vet, he's a teacher, he's an engineer, she's a mom. There is nothing attached to my name except maybe she's a Davis (my maiden name) or, better yet, Jordan's wife. When I see that I feel both beloved and I also feel a bit of an identity crisis. That identity crisis part does NOT belong! That is the lie. My friend Kathryn put it this way "No job is perfect. No job will satisfy the deep longing of the soul that craves meaning, that is found only in the Creator Himself [...] Really, it doesn't matter what any of us do, we must learn to take both good and the bad, and sift through them, choosing our attitude and response to all things." We are called to do everything as if doing it for The Lord because we receive our inheritance from Him (Col 3:23-24). 

Our purpose lies with our Creator. The answer to the age old question is this: I am to serve Him by loving those around me. If that means cleaning house, making people coffee, taking time to ask someone how they really are, taking out the trash, watching someone else's kids. I do not need a title to serve His bigger plan. The mundane is just as important as a career because even in the perfect job there is the mundane that has to be done. My greatest successes will be winning people over to Him through love. "For what is my hope or joy or crown of boasting before our Lord Jesus at His coming? Is it not you (those people I've loved and served)? For you are my glory and joy" (1 Thess 2:19-20). 

A Beautiful Mess

We are all searching for something, desperate for answers. Right when we grasp a little truth our foot slips and we become paralyzed with the fear of falling. After my last blog post my foot slipped and instead of fixing my eyes on the Truth I was focused on my fears. It is so incredible to me how easy I can fall back into this cycle. It gives me more patience for the Israelites and for the disciples.

My mind was churning with the never ending questions but one in particular stood out. If we are to expect trouble in this World and our deepest desire to know Him fully cannot be filled this side of Heaven then what's the point of trying?  Maybe I should just start expecting the worst out  of life [Lie alert!].  Well after a few horrible days of considering this option I watched "We Bought a Zoo." Silly I know but God can use all sorts of things to speak to His children. In this movie Matt Damon plays a widower with two children.  He ends up buying a zoo, fixing it up for the reopening and finds  his heart in the process.  There is this moment when he's sitting on the kitchen floor looking through photographs and he replays this memory of his family at the park. Possibly the last moment his wife is fully alive before getting sick unexpectedly. The laughter, the smiles, being together.  The perfect day.  From then on he starts seeing  through his pain and into the hearts of his children, his  coworkers and remembers what life is all about.  Moments.  Beauty captured.

Yes this life is painful and everywhere you look someone is suffering.  The part we cannot afford to forget is that He has already overcome the World! This is not all there is because Heaven will come to dry up our tears but until then we can look at the stars  to remember how big our God is. We can find beauty after a fire in the new life that springs up. We can taste His goodness in the rushing waters. We can see his gentleness in a delicate flower. We can witness His provision in the feeding of a sparrow. We can feel His heart beating when we sit with a hurting friend.  The beauty He has placed on this Earth are His gentle reminders to keep pursuing Him because He is worth it.  If I spend all my time expecting the worst then I'll miss out on all the beauty He's placed around me. So again....I choose Life. Dwelling on death was miserable. Don't try it.

Great is Thy Faithfulness

I have not posted in long time. God and I have been having long conversations on what to say...how much to divulge. I keep waiting to be inspired by good news or a fresh Word. However, He keeps asking me to be real; encouraging me to accept my identity in Him.

So here it goes....I have miscarried 3 times in past 5 years and we've been trying to conceive for the past 6. Even now the lies overwhelm me telling me of rejection; telling me my confession has the same weight as murder and who could accept such an unhealthy person. I am weak in the knees vulnerable as I admit to my "failure"...failure as a wife, a daughter, a woman. I have been told that "This is normal", "Your pump is being primed. All will be well with the next one." Hold on....keep waiting....hope against all hope so you don't drown.....why grieve now when all sorrow will be assuaged when that sweet babe is finally in your arms? That babe hasn't come, so now what?

Carrying pain around for 5 years becomes quite tiring, so I made a pact with God to deal with it once we moved to Port Alsworth. He held me to my word as I was practically isolated the first two months here as Jordan was guiding and my dad was beginning his new job. My days were mostly spent crying and asking God questions. I forced myself to look into the depths of my fear.....what if having a biological child on this Earth is not part of His plan for me? Could I survive? If that isn't His plan than what is my life purpose? Could I trust Him? Trust me when I tell you those 2 months were not fun by any means, but they were oh so healing.

I don't have answers to all my questions and probably never will but He began to show me His character and His love for me. He began revealing lies to me that were never part of His plan. I was really struck by Stephen's example. He was stoned by Paul, then Saul (of all people!). During his stoning Stephen declares, "Behold, I see the heavens opened up and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God" (Acts 7:56). It got me thinking about perspective. The Lord guaranteed we'd have trouble on this Earth, He never guaranteed comfort, happiness or fulfilled expectations (John 16:33). He's also guaranteed His love, His character. So if Stephen can praise God during His stoning and pray for his accusers, then surely I can learn to as well. It sounded much better to me than wallowing in my pain, wasting time waiting for an Earthly desire that may never come. So my prayers changed from asking the what ifs and whys to asking Him what His purpose is for my blip of a life. I'm only here for a moment and I don't want to spend it wishing for something that may never be mine to have in the first place. I want to spend it giving thanks for all He's given. First lie revealed was that my pain would stop once a child was in my arms. Saying it out loud makes it feel ridiculous that I could ever think that, but it was my lifeline. Truth: Our desires for things on this Earth are actually our attempts to fill the void placed within us at the Fall that can never be filled this side of Heaven. In "The Healing Path" Dan Allender describes surrender as "confessing that our deepest desire is not to succeed in business, to marry, to have kids, to be well, or simply happy; instead our deepest hunger is to SEE HIM." All else pales in comparison.

Second lie revealed was where I was placing my identity. A friend of the family approached me at church and little does she know she gave me my next breath. She said that having a child or not having one should never be my purpose. That is not my identity. Who I am is a child of God, covered by Grace, healed from within, promised eternity.  My purpose isn't to have a child, but to bring Him glory so that others might see Him. This began my redefining period where I asked the Lord to redefine motherhood for me since my definition seemed to be lacking. The Lord told me He already saw me as a mother, that my 3 wee ones were waiting for me. In His eyes my "desire" has already been fulfilled. He knows my pain is only temporary, that we will be reunited. When I look at myself through His eyes I find hope for another day because He sees and loves all of me. He does not see me as a failure or a murderer, but as His hurting child whose longings are bringing her closer to Himself.

Every day I have a choice on what to believe....the lies or the Truth. You have a choice too. Do you believe that He is good and that He is faithful? Do you believe He is who He says He is? He gently led me to the depths of my pain and I am healing. There is a long painful road ahead but if I surrender to His guidance "my soul can rest in His embrace for I am His and He is mine" (Oceans by Hillsong United). Lamentations 3:19-26 sums up this recent journey for me, "Remember my affliction and my wandering, the wormwood and bitterness. My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to my mind, therefore I have hope. The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in him.' The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."

Life After Mexico

At the end of January I was able to be with my sister during her last Homecoming. We had a weekend full of girlish pampering. She was voted Princess of the Sr class and I got to be her personal assistant for the weekend. Seems fitting, since she got to serve us older siblings most of her childhood ;) Ms. Amie Smithwick - stylist extraordinaire, drove all the way from Soldotna to blow our minds yet again with a fabulous updo. What a treat!

Princess Jodi

Stylist Team

Eric and Jodi <3>

So blessed by this lady all the time

This is what Costco shopping looks like when you have to shop for months at a time

My dad is the Head Coach for the Tanalian Lynx basketball team this year. Jordan helps out when he can and it's been so fun watching them work together.

Jordan was the Assistant Coach for the Lynx's only home game

Just another beautiful sunset as the lake was freezing over

 Jordan is working hard building The General and we are constantly praying for our summer/winter plans. There are so many unknowns, but He holds our future and we are trusting His guidance. Please join us in prayer for discernment in decisions, for His purposes to prevail in our life and for opportunities to selflessly love each other and our community.